What's the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket?

The pickpocket snatches watches.




What's the difference between the Rockettes and a 3 ring circus?

The circus has a cunning array of stunts.

 

What's the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun at prayers?

The nun has hope in her soul.

Just a modification of the original

 

Whats the difference between the girls track team and a bunch of pygmies hunting an elephant?

The pygmies are a band of cunning runts

 

'How do you catch an Elephant'?


-First you dig a deep hole, and fill the hole with ashes.

-Then, you line the edge of the hole with peas.

When the Elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole...

 

Three Jews walk into a bar.


Michael Jackson.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Michael Jackson.

(I love Lewis Black, too )

 

Cunning Linguistics aside....


What did the leper say to
the prostitute?

Keep the tip.



TomDeville

:cool2:

 

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

 

What do you call a hooker with her hand up her skirt?

Self-employed.

 

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?


Full

 

What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves


Christopher Walken

 

What's the difference between Lady Godiva and a lost golf ball?

One is a hunt on a course.

 

What's the best way to pick up a Branch Dividian chick?



With a Dustbuster.

 

Ooh, very good, a Koresh based joke!

Anyone else think David Koresh kinda looks kinda like Warren Zevon?

 

Old one, but......

Why did michael jackson rush to walmart?



he heard kids' pants were half off!

 

Q: What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?


A: Neil Armstrong actually walked on the moon.......and Michael Jackson has sex with little boys.

 

courtesy of le internet...


Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

I just stuck up for you. Everyone said you smell and I said "Like Sh.t he Does"

 

So a good-looking redhead goes to her doctor and says "Doctor, every place I touch on my body hurts..." He says, "That can't be.." She says "No, look.." She touches her arm.."Ouch"...She touches her leg.."OWW!"..she touches her stomach.."OWW!"..on and on..finally the doctor stops her..

"You're not a natural redhead, are you" he says.

"No, I'm actually blonde..How'd you know?" she replies.

"Because you have a broken finger."

:histeric:

 

A mushroom walks into a bar & says "Can I get a Jack & Coke?"

Bartender replies "Sorry we don't serve mushrooms here."

Mushroom says "What's the problem? I'm a fungi." :alchi:

 

The wife look at her self in the mirror, and says to her husband.
-Everything has gone downhill for me, wrinkels (sp) in my face and not just there, my breast is hanging, and i got a saggy behind.
The Husband - Atleast it's nothing wrong with your eyes.




jolle

 

The New York Yankees come to tampa to play the devil rays and win



well i thought it was funny

 

^ :want: :thepan: :want: ^

 

racial
Pope John Paul as some of you knew was polish ....

Every morning he would come to his window and bless the people who came to see him at the vatican ....Or so they thought ...

for years the pope was really trying to "get the ginnys off his lawn"

 

Whats the diffrence between a caveman and a pollock ?

The caveman can use geico ....

 

Subject: Dr. Bob



Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day

long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and

sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd

hear an

internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Bob, don't worry

about

it. You're not the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of

their

patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it

go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to

reality,

whispering.......


"Bob.....


.....you're a vet".

 

:lol: :lol: :lol: