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1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't! want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask? Because you are my friends.

Remember:

A good friend will help you move.

A really good friend will help you move a body.

Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
 

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Actually friends will usually encourage you to "slap a thigh and ride the wave" (bang a fat chick) when you're drunk. So they can make fun of you for it later.
 

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Watson - Unloaded

Take a sh*t made me think of you
and all the sh*t that we've been through
got a gun, i got you to unload it
now i know it the way that you told it
don't need no nuclear bombs
for us to take the world on
don't stab my back, don't twist no knife
just be my friend for life

a true friend helps you load dead bodies in the trunk
a true friend makes sure you won't bang a fat chick when your drunk
friends don't let friends drive drunk
but friends drive drunk for friends

hey man can you pause the tv? NO
i gotta go out and take a leek
its cool with me that your all clean
though i'm not we'll hit a scene
we'll sit and puff cigars
and stare blankly at the stars
don't want to split your skull in two
just be a friend to you

a true friend helps you load dead bodies in the trunk
a true friend makes sure you won't bang a fat chick when your drunk
friends don't let friends drive drunk
but friends drive drunk for friends
 

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