To the citizens of the United States of America:
Persuant to the recent visit of Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen
Elizabeth II to the Colony of Virginia, notice is hereby given of
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchical duties over all North American Colonies (aka states,
commonwealths and territories), except Kansas, which she does not
fancy, as of Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra';
you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you
simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is unacceptable and an inefficient form of
5.There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November
2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in
England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you
have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are
thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitters will
be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager". American brands will be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell
attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football". There is only
one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you
brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which
has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game
which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.