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Discussion Starter #1
here are a few jokes that i got through email:

Games for when we are older:

1. Sag you're it.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

Old is when:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means you don't need your fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.

5. An all nighter means you don't have to get up to pee.

Thoughts for the weekend:

When i was young i used to go "skinny dipping." Now i just go "chunky dunking."

Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it when she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "if you release me from this trap i'll grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."

The woman said, "That's ok."

For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will make your husband the most handsome man in the world. An Adonis to whom women will flock to."

"That's okay," said the woman, "I'll be the most beautiful woman in the world and he will only have eyes for me." So Kazaam, the frog makes her the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish she asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "You do realize that this will make your husband the richest man in the world. He will be ten times richer than you."

"That's okay," said the woman, "what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So kazaam, the frog makes her the richest woman in the world. The frog inquired about her third wish so she thought about it and said, "I want to have a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever, don't mess with them.

ATTENTION FEMALE READERS: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers please scroll down.

























The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they are really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
 

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Discussion Starter #2
one more:

Genders

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1. Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

2. Copiers are female because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. A tire is male because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.

4. A hot air balloon is male because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course there is the hot air.

5. Sponges are female because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

6. A web page is female because it is always getting hit on.

7. A subway is male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8. An hourglass is female because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. A hammer is male because it hasn't changed much over the past 5,000 years, but it is handy to have around.

10. A remote control is female. HA! You thought it would be male, didn't you? But consider this- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesnt always know the right buttons to push he keeps trying!
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfirend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me- her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got a more than pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over and check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "well I am going upstairs and if you want one last wild fling come up and get me."
I was stunned and froze in shock as I watched her go upstairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment and then turned and made a beeline for the front door. I opened the door and headed straight for my car. Lo and behold my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are happy you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of the story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
 

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93fleetwoodlowlow said:
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfirend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me- her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got a more than pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over and check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "well I am going upstairs and if you want one last wild fling come up and get me."
I was stunned and froze in shock as I watched her go upstairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment and then turned and made a beeline for the front door. I opened the door and headed straight for my car. Lo and behold my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are happy you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of the story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
OMG LMAO :histeric:
 

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I got a joke here

One day a man comes home from work and he's feeling a little horny. He goes into his bedroom and proceeds to give his wife(who's sleeping) the full attention of his lust. As he's busy taking care of business he hears moaning and naturally that turns him on so he puts more action into it. After he finishes he gets up and heads to kitchen because work and the recent romp has him very hungry. He's looking in the refrigerator, when a noise from behind startles him. He looks up and sees his wife sitting in the living room. He slams the fridge door and says: when did you get up?? She says be quiet your mother is in our room sleeping. :D
 

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Discussion Starter #8
addison_ii said:
I got a joke here

One day a man comes home from work and he's feeling a little horny. He goes into his bedroom and proceeds to give his wife(who's sleeping) the full attention of his lust. As he's busy taking care of business he hears moaning and naturally that turns him on so he puts more action into it. After he finishes he gets up and heads to kitchen because work and the recent romp has him very hungry. He's looking in the refrigerator, when a noise from behind startles him. He looks up and sees his wife sitting in the living room. He slams the fridge door and says: when did you get up?? She says be quiet your mother is in our room sleeping. :D
OMG! that is wrong. very very very wrong. funny though :histeric:!
 

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Thank You.
Here's another one. A man and his brother were staying in the same hose while one of their house was getting remodeled. One night Bro 1 catches bro 2 coming out of his bedroom. He opens his door and sees his wife getting dress. He goes back to ask bro 2 what in the hell was he doing in his room with his wife but before he could ask bro 2 says im sorry I was in the wrong room. Bro 1 smiles and says that's ok I made that same mistake numerous times in your room. :lildevil:
 

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Discussion Starter #10
addison_ii said:
Thank You.
Here's another one. A man and his brother were staying in the same hose while one of their house was getting remodeled. One night Bro 1 catches bro 2 coming out of his bedroom. He opens his door and sees his wife getting dress. He goes back to ask bro 2 what in the hell was he doing in his room with his wife but before he could ask bro 2 says im sorry I was in the wrong room. Bro 1 smiles and says that's ok I made that same mistake numerous times in your room. :lildevil:
AHA!!! OMG that is funny!!!
 

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One night a man and his wife were being intimate and the room was very dark. The wife says I'm ready for you now, the wife moves into doggystyle position. The husband is excited and goes full steam into it. The wife screams wrong hole and hits the husband. the next day the husband and son are doing a shape puzzle and the son tries to put the circle in a hole that's not right and the father says wrong hole. The son asks is this what happens when mommy says it too??:lildevil:
 

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Discussion Starter #12
addison_ii said:
One night a man and his wife were being intimate and the room was very dark. The wife says I'm ready for you now, the wife moves into doggystyle position. The husband is excited and goes full steam into it. The wife screams wrong hole and hits the husband. the next day the husband and son are doing a shape puzzle and the son tries to put the circle in a hole that's not right and the father says wrong hole. The son asks is this what happens when mommy says it too??:lildevil:
:eek: OH! oh man could you imagine if one of your kids actually said that? hopefully not cause you should know what the right hole is... dark... nevermind. ha, oh that is good. ill post more jokes sometime, i cant copy and paste on my home computer so i gotta type them out and i aint got time tonight. more jokes to come folks so stick around. in the mean time addy by all means.
 

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A husband and wife are feeling very amorous one night and decides to spice it up a little. So they head outside and proceeds to do "the do" in the backyard on the the naked lawn.Well after about 15 minutes the husband says it's too dark out here I need a light. The wife says I agree, you have been eating grass for the past 10 minutes. :lildevil:
 

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Wonderwoman and the Invisible man are going at it in a lawn chair outside one day. Flying above unknowingly to them is Superman. He stares and sees Wonderwoman with a look of pleasure on her face and her legs wide open. This goes on for a few more days. After 3 or 4 more days Superman says to himself: if I see this again I'm going to fly down and get some from Wonderwoman. So he leaves and is flying over Wonderwoman's house and see Wonderwoman with legs wide open and a content look on her face. So he I'm the man of steel, she'll like this. So he flys down and gets in a few pumps and flies away. suddenly the Invisible Man just stops. Wonderwoman opens her eyes and says what's wrong?? the Invisible man says I don't know but my @$$ sure hurts.:lildevil:
 

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Top Ten Canadian Complaints About Americans :D


10. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Howie Mandel
9. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down there against his will
8. Every time we mention the city "Regina," they won't stop giggling
7. Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow"
6. In American encyclopedias, Canada often called "North Dakota's gay neighbor"
5. They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot
4. They've never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain Saskatchewan
3. Two words: "Weird Al"
2. Sick of that gap-toothed loser on "The Late Show with Paul Shaffer"
1. Not enough guys named "Gordie"
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected Child Processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applicants such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Hockey 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running these applicants. I'm thinking of going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled user.

Reply

Dear Troubled user:

This is a very common problem men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a utilities and entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an operating system and is designed by its creator to run everything!!! It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application /Yes Dear/ to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\Apologize because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but tends to be high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook and Clean 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2.

However, becareful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 6.0!

Warning: Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
 

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Krashed989 said:
Haha, I have a friend who lives in Regina... :histeric:
Regina's a b*tch in the winter time.
In the summer Regina can get very hot.
Gentlemen we will be coming in Regina shortly.
Someone's always eating out in Regina. :D
 
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