Cadillac Owners Forum banner

1 - 20 of 31 Posts

·
Super Moderator
2002 Seville STS F55, 2006 Mazda Miata
Joined
·
22,408 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have only one employee, and we work in a small two-room office.

--Even though he's usually there, and I'm often not, and he's not paid by the hour, I should get a time clock and a punch card and make him use it.

--Set a work schedule for myself and show up routinely late.

--Offer dental coverage in the form of a free toothbrush

--Have regular performance reviews, telling him that his coworkers are doing much better than he is

--Ask regularly if he's been drinking on the job.

--Have a company picnic and not show up (making him the sole attendee)

--Have a formal awards banquet where its just him and me, and I win all of the awards

--Spread rumors about a merger with Barnes and Noble

--Have weekly conference room meetings, requiring him to give a presentation with charts and figures about his "team"

--Set a dress code, forcing him to wear a suit and tie:
"We have to impress our clients."
'But theyre all on the internet!'
"Then we'll get a webcam."

--Spread rumors about layoffs
 

·
Registered
1992 Town Car Cartier & 2014 Accord LX MTX
Joined
·
34,087 Posts
Or that pending merger/buyout with the Denny Hecker automotive group up in the Twin Cities.
 
X

·
Guest
Joined
·
0 Posts
Tell him you've been recieving complaints of sexuall harrassment and he will be required to go through "sensitivity" training. On his own dime of course.

Everytime he says something to you. Tell him you don't appreciate his "racial" tone in his remark.

Come in naked on Friday and tell him he should have gotten the inter-office memo from corporate, regarding "clothing optional" Fridays.

Never flush and act like you don't know what he's talking about.
 

·
Registered
1992 Town Car Cartier & 2014 Accord LX MTX
Joined
·
34,087 Posts
Then there's the classic "viagra and exlax in the coffee".
 
X

·
Guest
Joined
·
0 Posts
viagra in the coffee?...holy shit. That's comedy...LOL Damn. Where the hell can I get that. Do you know how funny that would be on my jobsite? Ok. Kick down oldtimers. Where the hell do you buy that stuff?
 

·
Registered
1992 STS / 2005 MB G500 / 2003 STS / 2006 XLR-V
Joined
·
11,694 Posts
Go to the thrift store, purposely searching for any copier or printer that explicitly states the following error message: "PC LOAD LETTER".
 

·
Registered
None yet!
Joined
·
1,025 Posts
Rig a file drawer to a cieling tile with some wire or strong fishing line or whatever, and some little pullys from the hardware store. Rig the cieling tile with a couple wedges so that when the file drawer is opened it will pull aside. Above it, put a box filled with packing peanuts, arranged so that you can pull the bottom out once it is sitting over that cieling tile -so that the cieling tile becomes the bottom, but the box is not going to move. Leave a note on his desk asking for a file in that drawer.

If not so ambitious, a few from my dad's Air Force days:
-Reprogram his speed-dial with Chinese Take-outs, pizza parlours, and strip clubs.
-Tape down the off-hook button on his phone and, so it keeps ringing even when picked up. Then call him.
-Tape a small, realistic mouse on the underside of his phone handset. Then call him.
-Get a twist-tie the color of his phone cord. Twist-tie the phone cord to itself so it is about 6" long. Then Call him.
 

·
Registered
1992 Town Car Cartier & 2014 Accord LX MTX
Joined
·
34,087 Posts
I've got a good addition to this thread.

So I work with this guy, he's a douche. A big one actually. He's the kind of guy that'll jump into a conversation and interject some somewhat relevant comment, usually about how his friend has done this or that, or how he's seen this or that done. Or he'll brag about how good his sales are, and never fails to say how bad you are by comparison, and whenever my boss makes a funny joke, he always laughs the loudest.

Oh, I should mention the man is the dictionary definition of squalor:

"the condition of being squalid; filth and misery."
The man doesn't shower daily, he smells like Cabbage, he has four cars, all of which are maybe $300 cars at best....98 Metro, 92 Plymouth Acclaim, '94 Chevrolet Lumina APV, and his prize baby, a '98 Hyundai Tiburon with 202k on it and a blown motor.

He stands about 5'6" and is probably 220, he walks on his tippy toes all the time, and wears the same tie daily. I mean, what self righteous woman wouldn't wanna live with him??? :histeric:

He's a sexual deviant too. His latest target has been our night receptionist. What he'll do is stand by her and bother her for 20-30 minutes at a time, and he'll ask her out and tell her that he doesn't have a girlfriend or anything (he does have a gf, god knows how, and he's got a kid with her). The latest (and by far the dumbest) thing he did is he found out that she was looking for a place to live, so he invited her to live with him (in utter squalor of course). Well we found out about this and decided we HAD to do something, because it's just gone too far.

I went onto a local sheriff's department website, found an application for a restraining order (to be presented to the sexual deviant) and had the night receptionist fill it in. To make it look as though it was faxed from them to us, we photocopied the cover page and application page, and left it on his desk to see.

The real beauty of this is on the cover page, it says "You are getting this because A) a hearing time has been determined. or B) a hearing time has yet to be determined." And then it goes on to state "If you do not call the number listed here within three months, your charges go to a felony" We whited out the number, so he's got no number to call, so in his mind, he's a felon! :lildevil: :histeric:

Everyone at work thinks this is a total riot, even my bosses are in on it!
 

·
Registered
Tis Gone :(
Joined
·
3,414 Posts
When you arent going to be in the office hide tuna or sardine cans. The stench is retched.

Send the Book of Mormon to him at work. It is hand delivered, not mail.

Wrap EVERYTHING he uses in the office in Reynolds Wrap.

Saran Wrap his car.

Change the keypad wires on his phone so that every number is a wrong number. I dont think this will work on most new phones, worked in a former job though.

Change the language setting on his keyboard or his Word documents.

For that ******* in a big corporate office setting take his chair and remove the seat, then drop shrimp tails and shells into the chair tube and reattach the seat. They will NEVER find the smell.
 

·
Registered
1990 350 Brougham (The cruiser), 1988 Mark VII LSC (The DD)
Joined
·
5,545 Posts
Since I don't really have an office, we just mess with the intercoms. The geniuses who built our Wal-Mart put a phone right next to the greeting cards, so I always go and play those musical cards over the PA system. You guys don't have these I'm sure, but its still fun as hell.
 

·
Registered
2001 STS
Joined
·
1,575 Posts
Find a dead rat.
Fresh is best. And not one of those that have been killed by a hemorrhagic poison. Its gotta be plump.

Tape it to the bottom of someones chair. Preferably someone that is far away from you. A separate actual office with walls and a door would be best.
As it begins to rot it will begin to smell. And the odor will get stronger and stronger. They will go crazy searching and searching to find the source of the odor.

And chances are. Looking under there chair will not be on the top of the search area criteria.
All they will know is, is that there office stinks. And seeing as there chair is on wheels.....LMFAO !!! They will be rolling around trying to pinpoint where the smell is coming from. Where in the office the odor is strongest. But seeing as they are sitting on it..............ROTFLMAO..........The intensity of the odor is always the same.

Is possible, if not found before the decomposition cycle is complete. The intensity of the odor will eventually diminish once the rotting has taken its course. And then will never be found. Sure they may be hints/whiffs of odor every now and then for a while.

But the best part of it all is watching em rolling round in there chair while searching for the area/source of the odor.
There will actually be a period when they may think that the odor "may' be protruding from them themselves.

Sure not that sanitary.But all depends on how far you want to go with the pranking/mischief.
Sometimes it can get to the point where its all fun and games..... untill someone looses an eye.....Then it becomes a blood sport......
 

·
Registered
None now...1972 Challenger=my pride and joy.
Joined
·
5,702 Posts
One of the better smelly ones I've done is to steal someones cell phone away for a bit, take out the battery and cut a perfectly shaped piece of thin sliced lunchmeat into it. Let them find it.

Not a horrendous smell, but in a few days it will definitely be noticeable and damned irritating...just one of those "not quite there but I know its there" smells...
 

·
Registered
1992 Town Car Cartier & 2014 Accord LX MTX
Joined
·
34,087 Posts
Speaking of smells, tonight at work, one of my coworkers took one of those automatic bathroom air sanitizers (the kind that sprays a burst of a nice smelling scent 1x a minute) and sprayed my douchebag coworker's chair with it 50x then closed the door to his office. By the time we left the building tonight, the smell had reached halfway down the shop!
 
X

·
Guest
Joined
·
0 Posts
something we did on the road in my old paintball days...any time we got ahold of anyones cell phone. We would go take pics of our junk or our ass and make it thier wallpaper. Or send these pics to every guy in thier book and explain how much he loves them and pretty much come out of the closet. We all learned to keep very close tabs on our cells. We even took them on the field and played games with them in our pockets.
 

·
Registered
1992 Town Car Cartier & 2014 Accord LX MTX
Joined
·
34,087 Posts
I left the restraining order on his desk tonight. Can't wait to get to work tomorrow to see what he's doing.
 

·
Registered
2007 E92 BMW 335i
Joined
·
10,761 Posts
Since I don't really have an office, we just mess with the intercoms. The geniuses who built our Wal-Mart put a phone right next to the greeting cards, so I always go and play those musical cards over the PA system. You guys don't have these I'm sure, but its still fun as hell.
I know where that Walmart is, I'm gonna disorganize your greeting cards :thepan:
 
1 - 20 of 31 Posts
Top