Joke of the Day.. ?

[JimHare]

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who
were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.
I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,
'Leave her alone now or you'l l answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[Boombotz]

LOL! Now are you going to post a joke everyday?

[terrible one]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?..."

"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!

What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

[I~LUV~Caddys8792]

HAHAHAHAHA NICE Jackson!!!!

[terrible one]

Originally Posted by I~LUV~Caddys8792

HAHAHAHAHA NICE Jackson!!!!

Haha thanks man, I've got tons like that.

[Jon]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand
and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,............................

"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Don't you love military time?

[Jon]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the
couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the
aroma
of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this
dress, he
instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her
best
perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on
the couch
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[nickc50310]

Great jokes guys! When I first saw this thread I thought it would be joke of the day- Exxon posts another record quarter. Too bad thats no joke!

[ShadowLvr400]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?



If we don't get some support around here, people are gonna think we're nuts.

[I~LUV~Caddys8792]

Man I tell you those Christians are poor, so poor they've only got one god! But us Romans are rich! So rich we have a god for everything, the only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation, but I hear that's coming quickly!

[terrible one]

>>I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for
>>over a year, and so we decided to get married.
>>
>>There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful
younger
>>sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
>>miniskirts,
>>and generally went bra-less.
>>
>>She would regularly bend down when she was near me. It had to be
>>deliberate.
>>She never did it when she was near anyone else.
>>
>>One day the "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the
>>wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
to me
>>that
>>she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told
>>me
>>that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
>>committed
>>my life to her
>>sister.
>>
>>Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
>>
>>She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild
>>fling, just come up an d get me."
>>
>>I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
>>
>>When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
down
>>the
>>stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline
>>straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight
towards
>>my
>>car.
>>
>>Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping.
>>With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very
>>happy
>>that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man
for
>>our daughter. Welcome to our family."
>>
>>Moral Of This Story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[I~LUV~Caddys8792]

Hahahahaha! Awesome!

[SpeedyArizona]

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

[SpeedyArizona]

A priest and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy Rolls and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge golden mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the priest to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to his holy Rolls to leave when the priest says "Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, priests are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before!"

[SpeedyArizona]

Three men died in a car accident and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you."

To the first man St. Peter asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "St. Peter, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." St. Peter then replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge, beautiful mansion and a Rolls-Royce for your transportation.

To the second man St. Peter asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "St. Peter, I regretfully cheated on my wife twice." St. Peter thought for a second and then replied, "I will allow you to enter, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a modest four-bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man St. Peter asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "St. Peter, I sorrily cheated on my wife about 9 times." St. Peter looked displease and replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a two-room condo, and a Ford for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the beautiful mansion and Rolls-Royce!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a scooter!"