Friday funnies

[firstimecaddi]

Ah man had a parrot that used to cuss bad. One day he get frustrated and throw the parrot in the freezer to teach him a lesson. The parrot start cuss more bad ………” ah will kill you rass when I get out of here you bald ***** , then all of a sudden the parrot get quiet. The man frightened that he killed the parrot opened the freezer. The parrot walked out very calmly and said; sir, please allow me to apologize for my atrocious language and lewd behavior. I shall endeavor to ensure that nothing of the kind ever happens again. By the way, I hope you don't mind my asking but what was it that the chicken did


A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.

[Rolex]

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."


He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.


"Yep," the Beagle replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"


The Beag le looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."


In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.


I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


"Ten dollars," the guy says.


"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"


"Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy!"

[Rolex]

A Cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong and the ship sinks. There were only 3 survivors:
Duke , Ryan and Nicole

They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Nicole felt really bad about what she had been doing.

She felt having sex with both Duke and Ryan was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Duke and Ryan managed to get through it, and after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Duke and Ryan began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
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So.....they buried Nicole.

[firstimecaddi]

OK Rolex...here's another

hahahaha!!! that was good.

How about this chap.

Little Johnny ....

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to
check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser
and dad going at it behind her.
Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!