: Jokes-Something to offend everyone!



LittleB
07-17-06, 11:26 AM
SOMETHING TO OFFENDEVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

LittleB
07-17-06, 11:27 AM
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the *****s on the outside.

What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virgini a ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

I~LUV~Caddys8792
07-17-06, 11:44 AM
Hahahahhahahaha offensive jokes are the best! Didn't expect this from you Meg!

LittleB
07-17-06, 11:47 AM
Hahahahhahahaha offensive jokes are the best! Didn't expect this from you Meg!

Well it's not like I wrote it LOL! Yeah some of them are really funny though. Like:
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

:histeric: AHAHAHHHAA!!

I~LUV~Caddys8792
07-17-06, 11:57 AM
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.




LOL!!!!! So true so true!

gary88
07-17-06, 12:03 PM
lol that last one is good

DBA-One
07-17-06, 12:24 PM
What is the definition of a woman?

LittleB
07-17-06, 12:31 PM
I dunno, what?

DBA-One
07-17-06, 12:35 PM
A life support system for a vagina.

SpeedyArizona
07-17-06, 12:40 PM
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

I'm already offended!


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.


Now that's downright mean, I'm part Irish and never go to a bar....a pub maybe...but never a bar!


What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.


I love jokes but that's going a bit too far for me. I would never joke about our flag flying half-mast, it isn't something to laugh at.


How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


You must've met my grandma:D.

Elvis
07-17-06, 12:48 PM
B, I have a variation on this one:

Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


It could also read:

Why are drivers' education
classes in Arkansas
only taught on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because the Sex Ed class uses the mule on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Some late additions to the list:

Why do all the birds fly upside down over Mississippi?

Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

What does "four on the floor" mean in Louisiana?

a double date.

What is Alabama foreplay?

"Get in the truck, bitch."

JoCan
07-17-06, 01:51 PM
I've got to add to this one: :bouncy:

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, she's already been told twice.


What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

Your right, we do taste like chicken.


Why is a wedding dress traditionally white?

So the dishwasher will match the stove and refrigerator.


What do you call a can of tuna on a lesbians night stand?

potpourri


What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?

Well hung

LittleB
07-17-06, 01:55 PM
AHAHAHAHA I like that "Why is a wedding dress traditionally white" one :histeric:

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Slap her.

I~LUV~Caddys8792
07-17-06, 01:55 PM
Why don't you buy a woman a clock?

There's one on the stove.

gary88
07-17-06, 02:06 PM
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

UNCLLUIE
07-17-06, 04:22 PM
OK, I smelled this one coming:

Why is it called PMS?


Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.



Disclaimer: Sensitive gay man here!

EDBSO
07-17-06, 05:29 PM
Thanks, they are great.

HOWEVER you missed Eskinos and Chinese, you can do better.

LittleB
07-17-06, 07:21 PM
Thanks, they are great.

HOWEVER you missed Eskinos and Chinese, you can do better.

Chinese was in there...it was the last joke:

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Hahaha but it's not like I wrote those so it's not my fault!!!!!!!!!

danbuc
07-17-06, 07:57 PM
I can't think of any really offensive jokes at the moment, so I'll just throw a few random jokes in for good measure.


A child molester and a little kid are walking into some thick dark woods. Just as they hit the tree line, the little kid looks up at the child molester and says, "I don't wanna go in there, it's too scary". The child molester looks down at the kid and says, "How do you think I feel, I've gotta walk back alone"


And now for some Dangerfield...

Ooh my wifes a bad cook. I mean, I don't wanna hurt her feelings or nothin' but I don't think meatloaf should glow.

Man my wifes ugly, she's what you call a two bagger. You gotta wear a bag over your head, in case the one over her head breaks.

I went to my doctor..you know my doctor...Dr. Vinny Boombotz? He says to me, I need a Urine sample, a Stool sample, and a Semen sample.....So I handed him my underwear.

Ooh I lived in a rough neighborhood, I tell ya. One time when I was a kid, I went to put my hands in some wet cement....my hands touched another set of hands....

I tell ya, I don't get no respect...no respect at all....





That is all.....

I~LUV~Caddys8792
07-17-06, 08:28 PM
What's the american dream? All the blacks swimming back to africa with a Jew under each arm!

danbuc
07-17-06, 08:45 PM
Here's a classic from Boondock Saints....


There's a Black guy, a Mexican guy and a White guy. They find this genie lamp and and when they rub it, the genie comes out and says he'll grant each one of them a wish. The Black guy says, "I wish all my people could go back to Africa and be happy". Then the Mexican says, "I wish all my people could go back to Mexico and be happy" Then the White guy says, "So let me get this straight, all the Blacks and Mexicans are gone?" The Genie says, "Yes" Then the White guy says, "Well in that case...I guess I'll have a Coke".

SpeedyArizona
07-17-06, 11:01 PM
There's a Black guy, a Mexican guy and a White guy. They find this genie lamp and and when they rub it, the genie comes out and says he'll grant each one of them a wish. The Black guy says, "I wish all my people could go back to Africa and be happy". Then the Mexican says, "I wish all my people could go back to Mexico and be happy" Then the White guy says, "So let me get this straight, all the Blacks and Mexicans are gone?" The Genie says, "Yes" Then the White guy says, "Well in that case...I guess I'll have a Coke".

:histeric: :histeric: :histeric: :histeric: :histeric: :histeric: :yeah:

SL1CK
07-18-06, 01:00 AM
"I don't get any respect around here...I tell ya..."

Gotta love Dangerfield!!

bpmolder
07-18-06, 05:29 AM
Here's one for car lovers:

Did you hear about the new Jewish tire that just came out? Not only does it stop on a dime, but it also picks it up!

CIWS
07-18-06, 04:57 PM
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."




Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peking Duck

JoCan
07-18-06, 05:10 PM
Thanks, they are great.

HOWEVER you missed Eskinos and Chinese, you can do better.

Two overweight Eskimo women are walking to town to get supplies.

They come upon a lake and the only way to cross the lake is a railroad bridge.

Halfway across the bridge one woman stops, looks at the other and say's "I have to pee"

The other Eskimo woman tells her "go ahead and pee"

"I can't pee here" replied the first, someone may see me.

The other woman say's "Nobody is going to see you! We are on a lake in the middle of the woods. Just place one foot on a railroad tie and the other foot on another, squat down and pee between the railroad ties."

So the woman that has to pee hikes up her dress and squats. Suddenly she jumps up and exclaims "I can't pee!"

"What now!" replies the other woman.

There is a canoe full of seal meat down in the lake and I don't want to pee on it!

The other Eskimo woman looks down in the lake, then says to the other
"There is no canoe down there! That's just your reflection in the water."

AznPrydeRegalRyde
07-18-06, 05:29 PM
Two overweight Eskimo women are walking to town to get supplies.

They come upon a lake and the only way to cross the lake is a railroad bridge.

Halfway across the bridge one woman stops, looks at the other and say's "I have to pee"

The other Eskimo woman tells her "go ahead and pee"

"I can't pee here" replied the first, someone may see me.

The other woman say's "Nobody is going to see you! We are on a lake in the middle of the woods. Just place one foot on a railroad tie and the other foot on another, squat down and pee between the railroad ties."

So the woman that has to pee hikes up her dress and squats. Suddenly she jumps up and exclaims "I can't pee!"

"What now!" replies the other woman.

There is a canoe full of seal meat down in the lake and I don't want to pee on it!

The other Eskimo woman looks down in the lake, then says to the other
"There is no canoe down there! That's just your reflection in the water." Offensive in a totally different way...like watching seniors ****. I seriously just threw up alot in my mouth.

Adam
07-18-06, 05:45 PM
guess i can be blamed for this one... i sent her those.

davesdeville
07-20-06, 01:33 PM
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggggggg the eskimo one is fkin nasty.

BOOOOOOOOOO!

The rest of them were funny though. Adam I believe the word you're looking for is "credited" instead of "blamed."

DBA-One
07-20-06, 01:46 PM
This lady goes to a grocery store and gets whatever. When it comes time to pay the guy says "you must be single" She says "How do you know that based on what I bought?" He says "I didn't know it by that. It is because you are ugly"

Elvis
07-20-06, 02:02 PM
This lady goes to a grocery store and gets whatever. When it comes time to pay the guy says "you must be single" She says "How do you know that based on what I bought?" He says "I didn't know it by that. It is because you are ugly"


That one just ain't funny unless you give a long grocery list of unusual items. You have to suspend the punchline and confuse the listener. :tisk:

DBA-One
07-20-06, 05:00 PM
What do you say to a woman with small boobs?

OffThaHorseCEO
07-20-06, 05:59 PM
a blonde woman walks in on her husband cheating on her. she gets so upset she pulls a gun out of her purse and is about to shoot herself in the head. her husband says "no honey it doesnt have to come to that!" to which she replies "shut up you ******* you're next!"

OffThaHorseCEO
07-20-06, 06:00 PM
what do you call four mexicans in a boat full of holes?


quattro cinco (sink-o)

im mexican

I~LUV~Caddys8792
07-20-06, 07:03 PM
Two overweight Eskimo women are walking to town to get supplies.

They come upon a lake and the only way to cross the lake is a railroad bridge.

Halfway across the bridge one woman stops, looks at the other and say's "I have to pee"

The other Eskimo woman tells her "go ahead and pee"

"I can't pee here" replied the first, someone may see me.

The other woman say's "Nobody is going to see you! We are on a lake in the middle of the woods. Just place one foot on a railroad tie and the other foot on another, squat down and pee between the railroad ties."

So the woman that has to pee hikes up her dress and squats. Suddenly she jumps up and exclaims "I can't pee!"

"What now!" replies the other woman.

There is a canoe full of seal meat down in the lake and I don't want to pee on it!

The other Eskimo woman looks down in the lake, then says to the other
"There is no canoe down there! That's just your reflection in the water."



Hahahahahahahaha that's ****ing disgusting! LOL!!! That's nothing compared to the Bob Saget "Aristocrats" joke though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?search=bob+saget&v=BfRJSmrQSDk

Kudos to SLK230MB for showing me that!

Florian
07-20-06, 10:01 PM
Two overweight Eskimo women are walking to town to get supplies.

They come upon a lake and the only way to cross the lake is a railroad bridge.

Halfway across the bridge one woman stops, looks at the other and say's "I have to pee"

The other Eskimo woman tells her "go ahead and pee"

"I can't pee here" replied the first, someone may see me.

The other woman say's "Nobody is going to see you! We are on a lake in the middle of the woods. Just place one foot on a railroad tie and the other foot on another, squat down and pee between the railroad ties."

So the woman that has to pee hikes up her dress and squats. Suddenly she jumps up and exclaims "I can't pee!"

"What now!" replies the other woman.

There is a canoe full of seal meat down in the lake and I don't want to pee on it!

The other Eskimo woman looks down in the lake, then says to the other
"There is no canoe down there! That's just your reflection in the water."

Absolutely brilliant....<note to self: plagerize this joke for future use>



F

gothicaleigh
07-21-06, 08:55 PM
http://www.tshirthell.com/hell.shtml
Not really jokes you can "tell", but they are insensitive and funnay! :D
(don't miss the Worse Than Hell section ;) )

davesdeville
07-24-06, 03:36 AM
What do you say to a woman with small boobs?

Well?? What?

DBA-One
07-24-06, 01:14 PM
Well?? What?

Nothing!

70eldo
07-25-06, 09:46 AM
Ok, since I am from Europe I will present some jokes about Americans :D
Hope you can take just as good as all the other offensive jokes.

An American Tourist is in Paris and is driven by a taxi driver around town. The taxi driver is happy to explain him all the interesting facts about his town.
At the Notre Dame the American asks the driver what that is. 'Zzat, iz zze Notre Dame. It waz built in ze period between ze 13th and ze 16th century', he replies. 'Not really impressive', says the American. 'We can build such in 2 months'.
When they pass the Tour Montparnasse and the American asks what that is. 'It's ze Tour Montparnasse and it iz ze 'ighest building in France!', the driver explains proudly. 'What a joke!', says the American, 'You must not know our sky scrapers!'.
Then they approach the Eiffel Tower and the American asks 'Now, what is that thing???'.
'I don't know', says the driver, 'yesterday it was not zere!'


An American explains a Russian about freedom of speech. He says he can tell anything about Bush when he stands in front of the White House. The Russian replies he can tell anything about Bush too, when he stands in front of the Kremlin.


An American Businessman travels through a Japanese airport. He sees a Japanese man standing between his two suitcases talking to his watch. The American is always interested in new technology and asks the Japanese about his watch. 'It's telephone, fax, internet in watch', he replies. 'I buy it from you for $2000' the American sais. The Japanese sells him the watch and walks away as he counts the money.
'Hey, you forgot your suitcases!', the American yells.
'No suitcases! Batteries!'


President Bush is worried about his popularity and tries to gain more at a public school. He gives the kids an opportunity to ask him any questions.
Bob gets a chance after he points his finger in the air. 'I have 3 questions for you mister president:'

1) How did you win the election, even with less votes?
2) Why did you attack Irak without any solid prove or reason?
3) Do you also think, that the bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest crime on humanity of the last century?

At that moment the bell rings and all children run outside to play. After 15 minutes they are back in the benches. Bush continues his question round. This time Joe sticks up his hand and gets a chance. 'I have 5 questions for you mister president:'

1) How did you win the election, even with less votes?
2) Why did you attack Irak without any solid prove or reason?
3) Do you also think, that the bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest crime on humanity of the last century?
4) Why did the bell ring 20 minutes too early?
5) And where is Bob?


A bus with American tourists tour through Europe. One man asks the tour guide where they are. 'Halfway Paris and Marseille, Sir', says the tour guide.
'Don't bother me with unnecessary information. Just tell me in what country we are!'.


The US Defense is sending 3 Generals in pension. They receive full salary and a bonus of $10,000 for every inch between any two points on the body. The first general let them messure between the top of his head and the ends of his toes. He comes out with $720,000. The second general is smarter and messures between the fingertips from the arms streched above his head to the ends of his toes. 8 Feet, so he comes out with $920,000.
The third general is bold and proud and let them messure from the tip of his penis to the end of his balls. The medical officer works his way down from the tip of his penis with a ruler and shouts: 'where are your balls?!!'
'In Vietnam!!!'


Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident’
“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks:
“How many is a Brazillion ??”


Due to a minor glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso and George W. Bush all arrived at the Pearly Gates simultaneously. Saint Peter said, “You look like three famous people, but you have no idea the length people will go to sneak into Heaven. You must prove who you are.”
Einstein requests a blackboard and chalk, then covers it many times over with arcane mathematics describing his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is impressed. “You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!”
Then Saint Peter turns to Picasso. “Give me that chalk,” says Picasso. With a few deft strokes he creates a stunning array of bulls, satyrs and nude women. Saint Peter applauds. “You really are Picasso! Welcome to heaven!”
Saint Peter then turns to George W. Bush. “Einstein and Picasso have proved their identity. How can you prove yours?” Dubya looks bewildered. “Who’s Einstein and Picasso?” Saint Peter sighs. “Come on in, George.”


What is the favourite car brand of G.W. Bush?
Landrover...


Ok, that's it... :D

gary88
07-25-06, 12:10 PM
Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident’
“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks:
“How many is a Brazillion ??”


:histeric:

Jon
07-25-06, 01:11 PM
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?




When the sentence starts with "A man once told me..."