LOL these are soooooo funny!


http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
also
http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

10 for today!

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

and my favorite:
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Haha! Chad, where the hell do you find this stuff?

I heard about it from a friend yesterday and he told me to google them...

google "chuck norris facts"

LOL, I'm on it buddy! Got anything else to google?

no nothing yet...... :sneaky:

I used to watch Walker, Texas Ranger all the time when I was younger! Anybody remember that episode where they push that boulder down the hillside with the truck? Man, I can't remember much else about it, but that was cool! The only thing I don't get is his endorsement of that personal gym thingy. You'd think, being Chuck Norris and all, he'd be a bowflex man. But then again, maybe he doesn't have to work out. Ever. The endorsement is just to make people think they should, and it's just another nice thing Chuck is doing to help people.

I like:

"There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist."

10 more for monday!

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever

-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

-Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

-Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

-In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

-Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Enjoy!

There are Mr. T and Vin Diesel ones too. My favorites are:

Vin Diesel got an erection. There we no survivors.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun....and won. :histeric: :histeric:

I saw that erection one about chuck norris too.

I'll have to google that when I get home

There are Mr. T and Vin Diesel ones too. My favorites are:

Vin Diesel got an erection. There we no survivors.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun....and won. :histeric: :histeric:

I like:

When Vin Diesel jumps into the water he doesn't get wet, the water gets Vin.

They have been around for a while and they are hilarious.

I would like to know how they started!

Vin Diesel cures hemmoroids by sitting on a live volcano.

Mix up the letters in Vin's name and it spells "I end lives"

I JUST EMAILED CHUCK & ASKED HIM TO CHALLANGE STEVEN SEGAL TO A MATCH ON PPV. I WOULD BUY IT. I KNOW OLD CHUCKY WOULD GET HIS ASS KICKED.:want:

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya!"

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f@ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf

wow. These are friggin great...

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and he got it

What is it with the Chuck Norris shit latley? Every car site to be found has has a ton of these threads.

idk, I just heard about it last weekend and man I love these!

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

Hellen Keller was actually born with no ailments. However, she became blind, deaf, and dumb at age three after accidentally bumping into Chuck Norris in a crowded city street. Onlookers applauded as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into submission.

On the sixth day God created Chuck Norris. On the seventh day God did not rest, he was unconscience after recieving a round house kick to the face for not making Chuck on day one.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

All the Delta Force movies are in fact Chuck Norris' real life home videos.

If a tree falls down in the forest, it does not make a sound. Unless Chuck Norris tells it to.

The only time Chuck Norris ever lost a fight was in a Bruce Lee movie called "Return of the Dragon," Bruce Lee died soon afterwards and it was not a coincidence.

When Harry Potter was about to grab the golden snitch, Chuck Norris grabbed it and roundhouse kicked him in the face and proceeded to have sex with Hermione. A week later she gave birth to three snakes.

Chuck Norris' orgasms produce an electromagnetic pulse in a 2 mile radius.

Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

:histeric: :histeric: :histeric: LMAO!! You kill me Chad!!

yes thank you, you're very welcome :D

I think im gonna start replacing chuck norris with my name for a few of these:

- Chad Rawson is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chad Rawson ;)

- Chad Rawson ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and he got it!

-Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chad Rawson calls this "a slow Tuesday."

-Chad Rawson is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-Chad Rawson CAN touch MC Hammer

hahaha! :histeric:

I bet if Chuck Norris would ever read this post, I promptly would get a roundhouse kick to the face!

Chuck Norris is the reason why GM stopped making the B and D bodies. When asked why from a reporter, he replied because GM doesn't need RWD , they only need CND(Chuck Norris Drive) and then promptly roundhouse kicked the reporter in the throat for questioning his authority.

Chuck Norris is the reason why GM stopped making the B and D bodies. When asked why from a reporter, he replied because GM doesn't need RWD , they only need CND(Chuck Norris Drive) and then promptly roundhouse kicked the reporter in the throat for questioning his authority.



:histeric:
:histeric:
:histeric:

Chuck Norris is the reason why GM stopped making the B and D bodies. When asked why from a reporter, he replied because GM doesn't need RWD , they only need CND(Chuck Norris Drive) and then promptly roundhouse kicked the reporter in the throat for questioning his authority.


HAHAHAHAH!!! :histeric:

good intrepretation!

Chuck Norris on the Tony Danza show! HAHAHA
http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1652620/
:histeric: :histeric: :histeric:

OMG THANK YOU!!!!

That made my day seeing those two legends together!

Maybe Tony Danza can teach Chuck Norris how to Danzaslap...Then Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick him then yell "I had it first!!!! It was the Norrislap!!!"

Then he would go on to Norrislap all the girls in the audience, and on the crew.

OMG THANK YOU!!!!

That made my day seeing those two legends together!

Maybe Tony Danza can teach Chuck Norris how to Danzaslap...Then Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick him then yell "I had it first!!!! It was the Norrislap!!!"

Then he would go on to Norrislap all the girls in the audience, and on the crew.


No problem!! NORRISLAP!!! :histeric: :histeric: :histeric:

Norrislap is a variation on the Danzaslap....except when Chuck Norris does it..he roundhouse kicks them after the danzaslap.

Norrislap is a variation on the Danzaslap....except when Chuck Norris does it..he roundhouse kicks them after the danzaslap.

:histeric: :histeric: :histeric: :histeric: Oh shit I think I need to go change my pants!! LOL

you're very welcome ;) :sneaky:

Two more Chuck Norris videos! :histeric: :histeric:

http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/Chuck+Norris/1638127/

http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/Chuck+Norris/1642842/

Wow that is such an '80s cartoon.

Reminds me of those old GI Joe cartoons

Did you understand the one about the little kid having aids?

No

Neither did I, but apparently its the "BEST". I disagree

I concur

One time Chuck Norris went camping in the woods. In the morning lumberjacks began to cut down what they thought was an oak tree but was instead Chuck with a terrible case of morning wood. None were seen from again.

Chuck Norris once punched a woman in the vagina when she did not give him exact change.

One time Chuck Norris went camping in the woods. In the morning lumberjacks began to cut down what they thought was an oak tree but was instead Chuck with a terrible case of morning wood. None were seen from again.


LOL!!!!

Ever know what happened to Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox?

Chuck Norris found them and took care of em ;)

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris' dandruff is the Colonel's secret ingredient. They won't tell you because if we all knew that, KFC couldn't meet demand.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattlesnake as a condom.

There are some things in the world money can't buy. For everything else, there's Chuck Norris

A solar eclipse is the result of the sun accidentally making eye contact with Chuck Norris

Part of the reason Chuck Norris can kick so many people in the face before they block is because his shadow his holding them by the balls.

Chuck Norris found Waldo, beat the shit out of him and chained him to a radiator so he couldn't ever run away again.

When Chuck Norris does "the helicopter" he gets liftoff

Chuck Norris built Rome in a day, with his penis.

Congress asked Chuck Norris to pay off the $4 trillion government debt, he did so by donating to a sperm bank. It took him 37 minutes and he had enough money left over to buy 3 Ferraris, a mansion in Scottsdale and the Washington Redskins.


^ I made that one up in my Macroeconomics class!

Congress asked Chuck Norris to pay off the $4 trillion government debt, he did so by donating to a sperm bank. It took him 37 minutes and he had enough money left over to buy 3 Ferraris, a mansion in Scottsdale and the Washington Redskins.


^ I made that one up in my Macroeconomics class!

:helpless:

Don't make up your own Chuck Norris facts. Just trust me on this.

No good? Damn.

I figure I'd try one out.

Maybe if I was drunk...

Don't make up your own Chuck Norris facts. Just trust me on this.

:yeah: I agree 110%.

Chuck Norris VS. Bill Brasky

What do you think?

Whos Bill Brasky?

Whos Bill Brasky?

WTF OMG

He's the guy they talk about in some SNL skits.John Goodman,Alev Baldwin,a couple others,they just get shit faced and talk about this guy named Bill Brasky and how cool he is.He showers in grain alcohol,he has a toenail on the end of his penis,he drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls,he is 10 feet tall and has cornered the market on scotch,plus many many more things.Download it,its great.There are like 4 of them.

"Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!"

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"

"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"

"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"

"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"

"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."

"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"

"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."

"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."

"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."

"They found $60 in change in his stomach."

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"

"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."

"He date raped David Bowie."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."

"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"He has dandruff the size of mice!"

"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"

"He conjured Neville Chamberlain!"

"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"

"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."

"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."

"He has a toenail on the end of his penis."

"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."

"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

"He breastfeeds John Madden."

"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"

"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."

"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."

"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."

"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"

"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."

"He thinks the Iron Man is gay."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."

"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."

Handjob to a manta ray??!?!!? WTF?!?!? LOL!!!!!!!!

Don't make up your own Chuck Norris facts. Just trust me on this.
If Norris finds out he will find you and knock your teeth so far down your throat, you'll have to stick a toothbrush up your ass to brush 'em.

George Bush didn't choke on a pretzel, the real reason was a roundhouse to the throat from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=n8QAeoFdM5g

AHA! i found his only flaw! The obviously cant read.Watch above video ^^^^^^

chuck norris doesnt go hunting cause the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. chuck norris goes killing

If Norris finds out he will find you and knock your teeth so far down your throat, you'll have to stick a toothbrush up your ass to brush 'em.

Holy crap, that's exactly what happened! LOL.

I've seen the Bill Brasky skits, a few Chuck Norris facts come from them, unoriginal bastards.

Chuck Norris qualified for the Daytona 500 at an average speed of 367mph, without a car.

Chuck Norris qualified for the Daytona 500 at an average speed of 367mph, without a car.


HAHAHAHAHA!! Thats a new one!

God wanted to create the world in 10 days, Chuck Norris gave him 7.

Found this buried in the forum. Its been awhile since ive read these and when I was posting on this thread it was in January which was the last time I was on this forum cuz I moved. These never get old. HAHA

Found this buried in the forum. Its been awhile since ive read these and when I was posting on this thread it was in January which was the last time I was on this forum cuz I moved. These never get old. HAHA

I am going to hire a professional hitman to kill you for restarting this thread:D! Chuck Norris hates being talked about, he will come through the computer and kill you!

I am going to hire a professional hitman to kill you for restarting this thread:D! Chuck Norris hates being talked about, he will come through the computer and kill you!


:eek: :eek: :eek:

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now referred to as the Islands.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now referred to as the Islands.


Finally! There's one I HAVEN'T heard! :thumbsup: