View Full Version : More jokes!

11-10-05, 01:21 PM
These are just jokes, please don't take offense to anything! It's all in good fun....

Post Office:

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job
it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One
day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The
letter read,
Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small
pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had
$100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and
I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope. Can you please help me?


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all
the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and
came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds,
he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and
sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt
a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be
able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter
came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered
around while the letter was opened It read,

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did
for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to
fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very
nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it
must have been those thieving bastards at the
Post Office.


11-10-05, 01:25 PM
uh...hun the first one was great, but you didnt finish the 2nd one hehe.

11-10-05, 01:33 PM
Oh wow, I didn't know there was a limit LOL RE-DO

11-10-05, 01:34 PM
uh...hun the first one was great, but you didnt finish the 2nd one hehe.

Shhhh! I think she fell a sleep.:yawn:

11-10-05, 01:37 PM
hell iam about to pass out :yawn: i dunno why i mean its only 3:30am here and i've had a whole 4 hours or so sleep in the last 36 or more hours. Sleep is for the weak....damn i really wana go to sleep though....in a nice warm cozy bed....with B...opps...:canttalk:

11-10-05, 01:37 PM
Degrees of blonde:



A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened
moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and
hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't
woman wanting to know if the coast is clear


Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." (for the guys. A compact
is a
make-up item with a mirror in it)
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands
the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the
gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No,
honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
Is it mine?"


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."


Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."

11-10-05, 01:38 PM
Dysfunctional Hallmark Cards...

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love, and now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
( inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(inside card)-That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) Someone other than you..

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(inside card) Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time..
( inside card) What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(inside card) Did you ever find out who the father is??

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.
( inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12 Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
( inside card) So we're having you put to sleep..

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
( Available only in Alabama,Mississippi, and West Virginia)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(inside card) What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband..

11-10-05, 01:39 PM
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost,
But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This,
Please Flip Me Back Over...
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then
Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Heart Attacks ..
God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi
Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

11-10-05, 01:40 PM
that's funny

11-10-05, 01:41 PM
I could continue, but I'll stop LOL

11-10-05, 01:44 PM
oh good she missed the bed thing......

11-10-05, 01:47 PM
You wish I missed it! :sneaky:

11-10-05, 01:50 PM
or do i? if i wanted you to miss it i wouldnt have said... oh look she missed it....;) :bouncy:

11-10-05, 02:21 PM
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -- It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done!

11-10-05, 02:22 PM
Headlines from the year 2029!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. ( I just sent it. I didn't write it!)

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines

11-10-05, 02:23 PM
You wish I missed it! :sneaky:

OK Little B,
Now you can suffer thru my blonde joke of the day!

A blonde brings in her Caddy to a body shop. Over the years she has accumulated a lot of small dents and dings. She would like for them to be repaired and the car painted.

The Bodyman saw she was a blonde and would have some fun with her. "Honey, you don't need to waste your money here. You can fix all of this yourself!" She repied, "Oh no I don't know nothin' about fixin' car bodies or painting!!" "Honey, you don't need to..take your car home and in the driveway go to the rear of your car, get on your knees and BLOW HARD into the exhaust pipe. Yep, all those dent will pop right out!"

So she goes home and is in the driveway on her knees blowing hard as she could into the tail pipe..but nothing is happening. Her neighbor, Elvira, also a blonde comes over and asks what she's doing. She explains and demonstrates to Elvira. She looks helplessly up to Elvira who steps back, looks at the car and replies, " Louise you dumb shit!..You got to roll your windows up!!!"

11-10-05, 02:24 PM

11-10-05, 02:25 PM
OMG!!!!! LOL!!! Nice one Robert!

11-10-05, 02:28 PM
yeah some blondes really blow.....opps...

11-10-05, 05:29 PM
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wallaby who?
Wallaby damned. (say it out loud)

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women,
chief amonst which is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation. The other 8 are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor ......)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in mens' magazines because men think: 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give here a house."
Rod Stewart

11-10-05, 05:36 PM
Those are hilarious! Thanks for sharing! :thumbsup: :D

11-10-05, 05:37 PM

Divorce one is true too :shhh:

11-10-05, 05:39 PM
Games To Pass The Time On A Construction Site When You're Livin' On The Edge

Find the Live Wire

Powersaw Chicken

Chutes and Ladders and 100ft Drops

Drill Bit Tattoos

Catch the Sledgehammer

Hide and Seek, with Crowbars!

Eggroll Eating Contest

Land in the Sawdust

Support Beam King of the Hill

Cement Angles

Smear the Queer with the Welding Torch

Nailgun Russian Roulette

11-10-05, 05:41 PM

I have a site visit tomorrow!

IM prinintg that and taking it

11-10-05, 05:42 PM
(Hey Little B, any chance of getting your Jane Hancock on here? j/k)


This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2005, by_______________________, between ____________and______________.

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup, " unless you are from
out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
9. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
10. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
11. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
12. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the
**** home.
13. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.
14. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
15. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's
16. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
18. No condoms, no ****ing. Carry your ass home.
19. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

Participating Party
Date: _______________

Participating Party
Date: ________________

11-10-05, 05:54 PM
I'd sign it, but I'd be afraid you wouldn't be able to keep up your end :sneaky:
because if you had me, you'd be begging me to stay :p

Just playing LOL!

11-10-05, 06:01 PM
Why is it always the guy's fault if he can't keep his end up?! The girls are supposed to be handling that.

And I'd have to boot ya out before the g/f came back LittleB. (kidding, she'd probably want to sign as well.) j/k

ElDawgg 2G
11-10-05, 06:02 PM

The story goes something like this---

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame
he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided
to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your a** good-bye!

ElDawgg 2G
11-10-05, 06:10 PM

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told
Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world,as your reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

11-10-05, 06:36 PM
Why is it always the guy's fault if he can't keep his end up?! The girls are supposed to be handling that.

And I'd have to boot ya out before the g/f came back LittleB. (kidding, she'd probably want to sign as well.) j/k

OMG I read that last sentence wrong at first LOL, I thought you said "kidding, she'd probably want to join in as well"

OK back to your orginal question...It's the guys fault because girls don't have anything that needs to be "up" in order to make things happen :p ;)

11-10-05, 06:45 PM
Now wait, we gotta get the girls in the mood too, or get lube. Yet if it's not up, we have to handle that too? What's the girl's responsibility here?

11-10-05, 06:51 PM
Now wait, we gotta get the girls in the mood too, or get lube. Yet if it's not up, we have to handle that too? What's the girl's responsibility here?

No, you are right, you shouldn't have to handle that, your girl should be handling it :sneaky:

11-11-05, 05:06 AM
I know B handles like shes on rails.....her CTS i mean..yeah...