: Joke of the day



Drift-caddy
10-28-05, 03:35 PM
"Young woman," said the judge, "this court is going to see to it that you receive one thousand dollars a month in alimony.
"Thanks," the husband spoke up, "and I'll try to give her a few bucks myself."(


Now, that looks like a happily married couple." Remarks the husband.
"Don't be too sure, my Dear. They are probable saying the same thing about us." Replied his wife

Florian
10-28-05, 03:42 PM
huh?

Help a brother out!


F

Drift-caddy
10-28-05, 04:22 PM
huh?

Help a brother out!


F

un it was a joke, sorry cant help you out. maybe you want a riddle instead. ok here goes.

What animal can jump higher then a house???

willsctsv
10-28-05, 04:28 PM
Proper grammar and spell check would help your joke. No offense, but stick to building cars!

Drift-caddy
10-28-05, 04:35 PM
Proper grammar and spell check would help your joke. No offense, but stick to building cars!


ok ok ok. damn. but i just copy and paste so dont shoot me to much. ok back to the dyno:crying2:

Florian
10-28-05, 04:50 PM
sorry.....but I still dig your posts!


F

Florian
10-28-05, 04:52 PM
So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his zipper, the bartender immediately notices and says "sir, did you know that there is a steering wheel attached to your fly?" The pirate says, "Aaarrrrggggh, its drivin me nuts!!!!"


F

GNSCOTT
10-28-05, 05:40 PM
car crash

Oh dear lord

Florian
10-28-05, 05:42 PM
A little O&A there......I hear ya.


F

lawfive
10-28-05, 05:44 PM
Bigamy (n.): Having one wife too many.

Monogamy (n.): Having one wife too many.

GNSCOTT
10-28-05, 05:47 PM
Florian, I actually thought yours was a little funny.

I think the problem with Moores first joke is that people did not realize that there are 2 seperate jokes there and they are both pretty bad and it made them worse when you though it was all 1 joke.:D

DansCTSV
10-28-05, 05:48 PM
This guy is driving down the freeway when his wife calls to warn him that their is a crazy guy on the news driving the wrong way on the highway.

He responds back to his wife, "It's much worse than what they are saying on the news, everyone is driving the wrong way." :histeric:

CTSVONFIRE
10-28-05, 05:57 PM
There's 2 men one on each side of the world. One is gettin a blowjob from an 85 yr. old woman, and the other is walkin a tight rope in b/w 2 sky scrapers. What are they both thinkin?

CTSVONFIRE
10-28-05, 05:58 PM
Don't look Down!!!!!

SilverBullet
10-28-05, 06:34 PM
Two cannibals are eating a dead clown. One looks at the other and says "this taste funny to you?"

SilverBullet
10-28-05, 06:36 PM
What is the difference between a epileptic clam and a hooker with diarrhea?

With the clam you have to shuck it before it fits....

lawfive
10-28-05, 06:42 PM
It can't be long before Sal comes in to kick us out of the locker room...

DILLIGAF
10-28-05, 06:53 PM
Keep this thread,the picture of the month contest went south,this would be cool!

addison_ii
10-29-05, 05:59 AM
Why I fired my secretary

I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say a word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss my bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked in, my secretary greeted mew with a big smile and a cheerful. "Happy Birthday, boss," She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?" It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do at the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids, and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

davesdeville
10-29-05, 06:41 AM
^^Haha that's awesome.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle.

evil 8
10-29-05, 12:13 PM
Whats the difference between a cactus and a Porsche?

evil 8
10-29-05, 12:14 PM
The cactus has the p.ric,k on the outside.

JimHare
10-29-05, 05:40 PM
Man and wife, tired from driving all day. Stop at a likely looking hotel. Check in, get some sleep. Next morning, they go to check out and the manager hands them a bill...
Man : "$450! That's ridiculous. I'm not paying. Why is this bill so high for one night's stay?"
Manager: Well, sir, we have a luxurious pool and spa with our health club, and you were welcome to use it."
Man: "But I didn't use it!"
Manager "Well, you could have. Also, we had world famous entertainers here last night in our lounge, and you have taken in their show."
Man: "But I didn't go there!"
Manager: "Well, you could have. And, don't forget, we have a world famous chef in our kitchen, and his meals are known the world over for quaility and taste."
Man: "But we didn't eat anything!"
Manager: "Well, you could have."
Man takes a $50 bill out of his wallet and hands it to the manager.
"Here. This is my payment. I charged you $400 for having sex with my wife."
Manager: "But I didn't have sex with your wife!"
Man: "Well, you could have."

addison_ii
10-29-05, 05:52 PM
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes thru his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady".

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pu$$y", to which he responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!"

addison_ii
10-29-05, 05:54 PM
Answering that age old question, "Why Didn't He Call?"

Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as The Fear That If You Get Attached to a Woman, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You.

This is why all married guys assume that all unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement involving hot tubs full of naked international fashion models; whereas, in fact, for most unmarried guys, the climax of the typical evening is watching an infomercial for HairinaSpray can while eating onion dip straight from the container. (This is also true of married guys, although statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.)

So guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments, or even to take any steps that might lead to commitment. This is why, when a guy goes out on a date with a woman and finds himself really liking her, he often will demonstrate his affection by avoiding her for the rest of his life.

Women are puzzled by this, "I don't understand," they say, "We had such a great time! Why doesn't he call?" The reason is that the guy, using the linear guy thought process, has realized that if he takes her out again, he'll probably like her even more, so he'll take her out again, and eventually they'll fall in love with each other, and they'll get married, and they'll have children, and then they'll have grandchildren, and eventually they'll retire and take a trip around the world, and they'll be walking hand in hand on some spectacular beach in the South Pacific, reminiscing about the lifetime of experiences they've shared together, and then several naked international fashion models will walk up and invite him to join them in a hot tub, and he won't be able to do it.

mccombie_5
10-29-05, 06:00 PM
This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes thru his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady".
They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pu$$y", to which he responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!"

LMAO

70eldo
10-30-05, 01:35 PM
A Scottish farmer and an English farmer live nextdoor to eachother. Their backyards border. Every morning the Scottish farmer collects the eggs from his chickens in the back yard for his breakfast. This mornig he finds one of his chickens had crossed the fense into the English farmers backyard and laid an egg there. He sighs and starts climbing the fense, but the English farmer got to the egg and picked it up. Halfway on the fense the Scottish farmer calls to his neighbour "Oy neighbour, mind you that's me egg from my chicken that fled into your backyard".
"Well", says the English farmer, "it was laid in my backyard, so now its my egg".
The Scottish farmer suggested they should settle this as good neighbours, before a fight would end a good friendship. "Let's settle this how real Scottish men would settle this", he says. "We each kick eachother in the balls and the one who needs the least time to get up, may keep the egg. How about that?".
The English farmer didn't want to come accross like a weakling, so he takes the challenge. The Scottish farmer may go first, so the English farmer thinking he could kick him harder than the Scottish farmer would kick him.
The Scottish farmer takes a few steps back and comes charging in to the English farmer with his legs open and eyes closed, kicking him in the balls with all he had. The English farmer collapses to the ground holding his gems, rolling and screaming. It takes him 20 minutes to crawl back up.
"Ok, now it's my turn. Let me catch some breath here", says the English farmer.
The Scottish farmer taps him on the shoulder "nahhh, keep the stupid egg!"

addison_ii
10-30-05, 10:58 PM
70eldo, the ole bait and switch tactic huh. LMAO

70eldo
11-10-05, 11:46 AM
Chinese whisdom:

If you walk after car, you get exhausted.
If you walk in front of car, you get tired...

:hmm:

90Brougham350
11-10-05, 12:44 PM
Why do the Polish bury their dead with their asses sticking out of the ground?


So the Germans have a place to park their bikes.
:duck:

90Brougham350
11-10-05, 12:52 PM
The 2nd grade teacher was teaching her class about money and buying things and about exchanging money for goods and services. She was using the example of the 3 pigs to illustrate.

Teacher: Now the first pig wanted to build a house out of what, class?

Class: Sticks!

Teacher: Very good! Now, when you want something, what do have to do to get it? Do you have to buy it from a store?

Class: Oh yes, teacher!

Teacher: So the piggy went to buy some sticks to build his house from the store?

Class: Yes, teacher!

Teacher: So what do you think the salesman at the store thought when the piggy asked to buy some sticks to build his house?

Little Timmy, way in the back: I know, teacher, I know! He thought, "Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!"

70eldo
11-10-05, 07:40 PM
Oh 90Brougham350, LOL!!!

addison_ii
11-10-05, 08:15 PM
The 2nd grade teacher was teaching her class about money and buying things and about exchanging money for goods and services. She was using the example of the 3 pigs to illustrate.

Teacher: Now the first pig wanted to build a house out of what, class?

Class: Sticks!

Teacher: Very good! Now, when you want something, what do have to do to get it? Do you have to buy it from a store?

Class: Oh yes, teacher!

Teacher: So the piggy went to buy some sticks to build his house from the store?

Class: Yes, teacher!

Teacher: So what do you think the salesman at the store thought when the piggy asked to buy some sticks to build his house?

Little Timmy, way in the back: I know, teacher, I know! He thought, "Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!":histeric: LMAO

TSXBabe
11-10-05, 08:17 PM
lol

davesdeville
11-12-05, 06:41 AM
Heard this on the radio today.

Why doesn't a rooster wear underwear?

Because his pecker is on his face.