here are a few jokes that i got through email:

Games for when we are older:

1. Sag you're it.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

Old is when:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means you don't need your fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.

5. An all nighter means you don't have to get up to pee.

Thoughts for the weekend:

When i was young i used to go "skinny dipping." Now i just go "chunky dunking."

Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it when she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "if you release me from this trap i'll grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."

The woman said, "That's ok."

For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will make your husband the most handsome man in the world. An Adonis to whom women will flock to."

"That's okay," said the woman, "I'll be the most beautiful woman in the world and he will only have eyes for me." So Kazaam, the frog makes her the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish she asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "You do realize that this will make your husband the richest man in the world. He will be ten times richer than you."

"That's okay," said the woman, "what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So kazaam, the frog makes her the richest woman in the world. The frog inquired about her third wish so she thought about it and said, "I want to have a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever, don't mess with them.

ATTENTION FEMALE READERS: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers please scroll down.

























The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they are really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

one more:

Genders

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1. Ziploc bags are male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

2. Copiers are female because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. A tire is male because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.

4. A hot air balloon is male because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course there is the hot air.

5. Sponges are female because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

6. A web page is female because it is always getting hit on.

7. A subway is male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8. An hourglass is female because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. A hammer is male because it hasn't changed much over the past 5,000 years, but it is handy to have around.

10. A remote control is female. HA! You thought it would be male, didn't you? But consider this- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesnt always know the right buttons to push he keeps trying!

Great Stuff. I am DEFINATELY #s 1 & 2 & 5 in the 2nd part. All nighters are few and far between

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfirend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me- her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got a more than pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over and check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "well I am going upstairs and if you want one last wild fling come up and get me."
I was stunned and froze in shock as I watched her go upstairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment and then turned and made a beeline for the front door. I opened the door and headed straight for my car. Lo and behold my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are happy you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of the story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!

haha, good ones

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfirend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me- her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got a more than pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over and check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "well I am going upstairs and if you want one last wild fling come up and get me."
I was stunned and froze in shock as I watched her go upstairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment and then turned and made a beeline for the front door. I opened the door and headed straight for my car. Lo and behold my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are happy you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of the story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!OMG LMAO :histeric:

I got a joke here

One day a man comes home from work and he's feeling a little horny. He goes into his bedroom and proceeds to give his wife(who's sleeping) the full attention of his lust. As he's busy taking care of business he hears moaning and naturally that turns him on so he puts more action into it. After he finishes he gets up and heads to kitchen because work and the recent romp has him very hungry. He's looking in the refrigerator, when a noise from behind startles him. He looks up and sees his wife sitting in the living room. He slams the fridge door and says: when did you get up?? She says be quiet your mother is in our room sleeping. :D

I got a joke here

One day a man comes home from work and he's feeling a little horny. He goes into his bedroom and proceeds to give his wife(who's sleeping) the full attention of his lust. As he's busy taking care of business he hears moaning and naturally that turns him on so he puts more action into it. After he finishes he gets up and heads to kitchen because work and the recent romp has him very hungry. He's looking in the refrigerator, when a noise from behind startles him. He looks up and sees his wife sitting in the living room. He slams the fridge door and says: when did you get up?? She says be quiet your mother is in our room sleeping. :D

OMG! that is wrong. very very very wrong. funny though :histeric:!

Thank You.
Here's another one. A man and his brother were staying in the same hose while one of their house was getting remodeled. One night Bro 1 catches bro 2 coming out of his bedroom. He opens his door and sees his wife getting dress. He goes back to ask bro 2 what in the hell was he doing in his room with his wife but before he could ask bro 2 says im sorry I was in the wrong room. Bro 1 smiles and says that's ok I made that same mistake numerous times in your room. :lildevil:

Thank You.
Here's another one. A man and his brother were staying in the same hose while one of their house was getting remodeled. One night Bro 1 catches bro 2 coming out of his bedroom. He opens his door and sees his wife getting dress. He goes back to ask bro 2 what in the hell was he doing in his room with his wife but before he could ask bro 2 says im sorry I was in the wrong room. Bro 1 smiles and says that's ok I made that same mistake numerous times in your room. :lildevil:

AHA!!! OMG that is funny!!!

One night a man and his wife were being intimate and the room was very dark. The wife says I'm ready for you now, the wife moves into doggystyle position. The husband is excited and goes full steam into it. The wife screams wrong hole and hits the husband. the next day the husband and son are doing a shape puzzle and the son tries to put the circle in a hole that's not right and the father says wrong hole. The son asks is this what happens when mommy says it too??:lildevil:

One night a man and his wife were being intimate and the room was very dark. The wife says I'm ready for you now, the wife moves into doggystyle position. The husband is excited and goes full steam into it. The wife screams wrong hole and hits the husband. the next day the husband and son are doing a shape puzzle and the son tries to put the circle in a hole that's not right and the father says wrong hole. The son asks is this what happens when mommy says it too??:lildevil:

:eek: OH! oh man could you imagine if one of your kids actually said that? hopefully not cause you should know what the right hole is... dark... nevermind. ha, oh that is good. ill post more jokes sometime, i cant copy and paste on my home computer so i gotta type them out and i aint got time tonight. more jokes to come folks so stick around. in the mean time addy by all means.

A husband and wife are feeling very amorous one night and decides to spice it up a little. So they head outside and proceeds to do "the do" in the backyard on the the naked lawn.Well after about 15 minutes the husband says it's too dark out here I need a light. The wife says I agree, you have been eating grass for the past 10 minutes. :lildevil:

Wonderwoman and the Invisible man are going at it in a lawn chair outside one day. Flying above unknowingly to them is Superman. He stares and sees Wonderwoman with a look of pleasure on her face and her legs wide open. This goes on for a few more days. After 3 or 4 more days Superman says to himself: if I see this again I'm going to fly down and get some from Wonderwoman. So he leaves and is flying over Wonderwoman's house and see Wonderwoman with legs wide open and a content look on her face. So he I'm the man of steel, she'll like this. So he flys down and gets in a few pumps and flies away. suddenly the Invisible Man just stops. Wonderwoman opens her eyes and says what's wrong?? the Invisible man says I don't know but my @$$ sure hurts.:lildevil:

Top Ten Canadian Complaints About Americans :D


10. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Howie Mandel
9. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down there against his will
8. Every time we mention the city "Regina," they won't stop giggling
7. Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow"
6. In American encyclopedias, Canada often called "North Dakota's gay neighbor"
5. They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot
4. They've never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain Saskatchewan
3. Two words: "Weird Al"
2. Sick of that gap-toothed loser on "The Late Show with Paul Shaffer"
1. Not enough guys named "Gordie"

And of course Adam's favorite joke..... :thumbsup:

Tennesse Legal Drinking Age:

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Wait... There's more than one word for snow?



Haha, I have a friend who lives in Regina... :histeric:

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected Child Processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applicants such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Hockey 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while running these applicants. I'm thinking of going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled user.

Reply

Dear Troubled user:

This is a very common problem men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a utilities and entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an operating system and is designed by its creator to run everything!!! It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application /Yes Dear/ to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\Apologize because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but tends to be high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook and Clean 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2.

However, becareful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 6.0!

Warning: Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Haha, I have a friend who lives in Regina... :histeric:
Regina's a b*tch in the winter time.
In the summer Regina can get very hot.
Gentlemen we will be coming in Regina shortly.
Someone's always eating out in Regina. :D

Regina's a b*tch in the winter time.
In the summer Regina can get very hot.
Gentlemen we will be coming in Regina shortly.
Someone's always eating out in Regina. :D

Actually, all that is true!! :bonkers: :hmm:

Senior Moments

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago"


NAVAJO WOMAN WISDOM

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk and while resuming the journey the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, .........."Good trade."


PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

Noah and the flood, 2005 version.



In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard....but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark.."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Perplexing Headlines



Perplexing Headlines

(a) Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

(b) Miners Refuse to Work after Death

(c) Stolen Painting Found by Tree

(d) Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

(e) War Dims Hope for Peace (f) If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

(g) Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

(h) Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

(i) Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

(j) Air Head Fired

(k) Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

(l) Include your Children When Baking Cookies

(m) 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

Great Truths from Small Children



Great Truths from Small Children --author unknown

~~No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
--When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
~~If your sister hits you, don't hit her back... they always catch the second person.
--Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
~~You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
--Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
~~Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
--Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
~~Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
--School lunches stick to the wall.
~~You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
--Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
~~The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
--It's hard to unlearn a bad word.
~~Ask "Why?" until you understand.
--It's easier to see the mistakes on someone else's paper.
~~A pencil without an eraser may as well just be a pen.
--Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.
~~Twelve is a lot older than eight.
--Sometimes your best move is blocked by your own checkers.
~~Some nights it's not worth fighting over who gets the top bunk.
--Don't say that the "Last One is a Rotten Egg" unless you're absolutely sure there's a slow kid behind you.
~~Crawling still gets you there.
--If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
~~Your room gets smaller as you get bigger.
--You can't start over just because you're losing the game
~~When you're dressed up like a princess, it's easier to act like one.
--If a tree had apples last year, don't expect pears this year.
~~One drop of black paint from the brush clouds the whole cup of water.
--A snow day is more fun than a vacation day.
~~All libraries smell the same.
--Don't nod on the phone.
~~If you want someone to listen to you, whisper it.
--Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
~~Silence can be an answer.
--Always say grace.

TEACHER: Johnny, do you have a fairy godmother?

JOHNNY: No, but I got an uncle we all keep a close eye on.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

''How many is a Brazillion ??!

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up and asks..........

''How many is a Brazillion ??!

OMG!!!!! LOL :rofl:

Heavenly Reward



After his death, Osama bin Laden went to - not heaven, but to a holding area.

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the gut and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you that if you followed through with your plans there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there."

Go here: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v739/MeganCFT/oil2.jpg
to see what the blonde pointed to!!!

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there."

Go here: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v739/MeganCFT/oil2.jpg
to see what the blonde pointed to!!!

HA! LOL!! :histeric: thats funny. you know, i think my lady would actually do that.

HA! LOL!! :histeric: thats funny. you know, i think my lady would actually do that.

Man, I hope not!!

Accident ahead:

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/media/pic_0193.jpg

Burger King hiring:

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/media/pic_0081.jpg

Ahahahahaaaaa!!!!!

Man, I hope not!!

huh, she's a blonde alright and not to car savvy either. she cracks me up.

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes



[English phrase] -- [Chinese Interpretation]Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
*
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
*
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
*
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
*
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
*
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
*
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
*
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
*
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
*
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
*
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
*
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
*
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
*
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
*
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pai
*
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
*
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
*
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
*
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
*
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
*
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
*
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

True story;

When I was a kid my Dad replaced our 1960 Ford Falcon station wagon (200 cid six) with a 1964 Ford Galaxy 500 (390 cid with the police package, it was ordered for the Fire Dept but the brake drums were standard instead of heavy duty). My Mom was nervous driving this car, she got on the freeway for the first time, my brother and I were in the back seat, she "mashed the gas" just like she always did in the Falcon. We were pinned to the seat backs laughing hysterically while my Mom was white knuckling the steering wheel, burning rubber all the way up the on-ramp, screaming in terror!

Anyway, she got used to the torque and horse power but was still very new to the car when she pulled into a service station to have something checked. The mechanic came over, asked her what she needed, he popped the hood and asked her to press the accelerator. She was nervous and flustered and said; "Oh, I don't have one of those." The mechanic stepped over to the window a bit confused; "Excuse me?" :confused:
"I don't have one of those, this is an automatic."

(Mom wasn't a blond, she was a redhead [auburn] along the lines of Lucille Ball)

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door,
the husband cries out, "Don't bump into the wall!"

The Obituary



The newspaper obituary operator received a phone call. The woman on
the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"

"Five dollars per word, ma'am," came the response.

"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.' "

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."

"Hmmph," came the reply. "You certainly did forget to tell me that."
After a moment of silence, the woman continued, "Got your pencil and
paper?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Okay, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.' "

Canadians





The Canadians are going to help America with the war
on terrorism. They have pledged 2 of their biggest battle
ships, 6000 ground troops and 6 fighter jets. Unfortunately, after the exchange rate conversion, we
ended up with 2 canoes, 1 Mountie, and some flying
squirrels.

Childbirth





It was late at night and Alison, who was expecting her second
child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn.

When Alison started to go into labor, she called "911." Due to a
power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn
to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Alison pushed and
pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the
wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she
had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place. Spank him again!"

Fingers





This one is for all of you who either:
a) have kids
b) have grown kids
c) were a kid
d) know a kid!

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of
her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong
honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Another true story;

My oldest daughter was not quite 3 years old when her sister was born. We brought her home from the hospital and after a few days we asked the oldest how she liked her new baby sister. She said; "Can we take her back now?"

The Athiest and the Loch Ness Monster



An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly
his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one
easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air
then opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed
head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and, as
the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down
from the clouds.

"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two
minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Then the Atheist continues, "God, please let the Loch Ness
Monster become religious."

God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts up, atheist falling.

The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says,
"Lord, bless this food you have so graciously provided...."

Another true story;

My oldest daughter was not quite 3 years old when her sister was born. We brought her home from the hospital and after a few days we asked the oldest how she liked her new baby sister. She said; "Can we take her back now?"

ha, my two year old neice said that when Allysa was born. kids huh, crack me up.

Church Bulletin and Service Bloopers



This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service
bloopers:

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
*
Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
*
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.
*
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.
*
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the
side entrance.
*
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
nights. She's used the program herself and has been
growing like crazy!
*
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.
*
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
both ends.
*
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
*
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
*
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
*
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
*
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
*
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
*
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
*
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe
supplied our pulpit.
*
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
*
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
*
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
*
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
*
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
preparing for the girth of their first child.
*
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.

And yet another true story;

When I was a tot I'm told I was quite precocious (and my Father was known as a prankster with a wry sense of humor). My parents were in the choir of our church, the whole choir, Pastor and families went to the next town to a sister church for a concert. I was 4 at the time. Afterward we went to a restaurant and while waiting to be seated I spied a cigarette machine. I asked my Father what it was, he explained it to me and I promptly walked over to our Pastor who was talking with the other Pastor and their wives and loudly asked him;
"Pastor? When are you gonna quit smokin'?!!

The poor man was speechless! He didn't know quite how to respond. He never smoked a cigarette in his life. He was sure that my Dad put me up to saying that but unfortunately, it was my own idea. (Kids?!)

OK, here's another one;

They say little girls talk sooner than little boys, little boys tend to make noises, you know, growling, "Vrrrooommm!" "Bang bang!" "Ka-POW!" that kind of thing. When I was a toddler (just under 2) I seldom spoke, I grunted or made noises. My brother who was 20 months older would interpret for me to my folks and he was usually right. I'd grunt and he'd say; "He wants a drink." Mom would give me a drink and I was happy.

My folks (Mom) were a little concerned there for a while until my first time 'Trick Or Treating' on Halloween. There I was, dressed as 'Kasper the Ghost' with a sheet over me and two little holes for my eyes with a bowler hat waddling around with a pumkin bucket. At some time during the eveing I figured out that if I said "Trick or treat!" I'd get candy! WOW! Life is GOOD! That was it, that was the pump primer. They couldn't get me to shut up after that. I didn't stop saying "Trick or treat!" till Thanks Giving.

It didn't take me long to catch up though, later that year, just before Christmas I was walking along downtown with my Mother and Brother when I saw a small Santa Claus in a store window. I stopped and said; "Who's that?" to which my Brother excitedly responded; "That's Santa Claus!" :xsmile: I said; "I don't like him!" :mad: My brother says; "Oh no! He's good! He brings us presents!" Well, that didn't impress me at the time, I responded;
"I don't like him! I know what ya do with him! Ya KICK him!" at which time I kicked at the store window :kick::xcry: as a little old lady walked past gasping in horror :eek: and muttering what a horrid little child I was!

Christmas in Washington

"The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington,DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men or a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable"

:nyanya:

Christmas in Washington

"The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington,DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men or a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable"

:nyanya:

i take it you seen the Canada one a page back didnt you?:)

i take it you seen the Canada one a page back didnt you?:)

Ya, and that's strange, I thought I was posting right after that one. This whole page didn't pop up until after I posted! :hmm:

Ya, and that's strange, I thought I was posting right after that one. This whole page didn't pop up until after I posted! :hmm:

its been three pages since yesterday Ralphie. lay off the crack man!

nevermind.

nevermind.

what?

An engaged couple are on their way to be married when they are involved in a horrible accident that kills both of them. While waiting to be let into heaven they ask St. Peter if marriage is allowed in heaven. St. Peter looks puzzled and says "I don't know, I'll have to ask." While waiting, the couple begins to think, well what if it doesn't work out? Would divorce be allowed in heaven? After three months of waiting St. Peter finally comes back and say, "Yes, marriage is allowed." The couple respondes, "What if it doesn't work out? Can we get a divorce?" Enraged St. Peter shouts "IT TOOK ME THREE MONTHS TO FIND A PRIEST, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE ME TO FIND A LAWYER?!?!"

i seen the social breakdown thread just now, please no one take offense to these jokes, they are harmless and not meant to degrade anyone. it is harmless fun. that is why i am not posting any dirty jokes or anything like that. just meant to be funny. if you are offended then i apologize. these are not my personal opinions of anyone, any sex, race, religion or creed. just having fun guys and gals. and if anyone else has any jokes, go ahead and post. im a good sport so you can hit me with religious ones or anything like that.

Since this thread is named "Jokes" it might be assumed that the contents are not serious (there are no guarantees that they are funny or of appropriate taste however!).

In other threads, especially those with somewhat serious topic matter, jokes might easily be misinterpreted, unappreciated or deemed inappropriate by some readers.

I think it's safe to say there are no high expectations in this thread.