: Just in case you ever wanted to...Simulate submarine life at your house.

12-17-12, 12:47 AM
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Every 2 hours after you go to sleep, have someone whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack", or "Sign this!"

2. Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have

to add water to.

3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Hang out in such areas as dark theaters, windowless buildings, closets, etc.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move
the shower head down to chest level.
When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
Squeegee and wipe down the stall when done.

5. Repeat back everything anyone says to you. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.

6. Sit in front of your TV set, with the antenna disconnected and watch for 6 hours.
Report any unusual static patterns.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".

8. Don't watch T.V. Instead setup a 16mm projector and only watch movies that you don't like.

9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.

10. Announce "Commence Snorkling!"
Setup your lawnmower in your living room and run for at least 1 hour.
Periodically hold your nose and mouth shut and try to blow out your eardrums.

11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

12. Get a clipboard, paper, and leaky black ink pen, then take hourly readings
on your electric and gas meters.

13. Sleep with your dirty laundry at your feet.

14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.

15. Get some broken exercise equipment and mount it to the floor in your kitchen.

16. Store up all garbage for a week in your bathtub. Compact and dispose of once a week.

17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional: Breakout a #10 can of ravioli or cold soup)

18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.

19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off :
Announce 'fire in the garage!' Jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can.
Run into your garage and break out the garden hose.
Since there really wasn't a fire and everyone is up anyway have the kids clean
the house.

20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back
together (just in case they were about to break).

21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.

22. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.

23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.

24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

25. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".

26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.

27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.

28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really
thick on one side to level off the top.

29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep!" or "Torpedo in the Water!", run into the kitchen, sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor.

30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove
Secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.

31. Make the kids learn the location and operation of every light switch, outlet,
circuit breaker, valve, appliance, fire extinguisher etc.. Don't let them watch any TV/movies until they can recite same from memory.

32. After 60 days or so; go load up the family in a taxi, go out to the worst part of town
(preferably where English is a second language), and have dinner at the most run down
bar or restaurant available.

33. Every few years cut a hole in your roof, hire a some workers to remove all furniture,
appliances, electrial wiring, pipes etc. to a storage warehouse. Go live in the neighbors garage for a year or so then put it all back.

34. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.

35. Spend 3 or 4 hours waxing your floors to perfection. Then, just before they dry, invite the whole neighborhood over to walk across them. Then do it again.

36. Stand on your roof once every four days for six hours in the winter and don't let anyone in your house.

37. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

38. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.

39. Post the Uniform Code of Military Justice on the wall across from your toilet. Highlight the parts that begin: "penetration however slight..."

40. Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds.

41. Install a multi-channel entertainment system over your bed that doesn't work.

42. Hookup your air compressor to the sewer line to the house and blow a shit geyser ten feet in the air. Come in side and tell you wife "calmly" I forgot to shut the valve and have her clean it up.

43. Start every story with "This is no-shiter

12-17-12, 01:10 AM
^^^ Sounds like loads of fun, but I think I'll pass!

12-17-12, 01:12 AM
I already do #3, #20 and #31 (Replacing the word "Kids" with Lackeys, Minions, Employees and even a Sibling, but I already refer to all of the above as "my kids" anyhow)

Have to get cracking on the rest.

12-17-12, 01:36 AM
A few of those can be said about trucking too. Lol.

What's the difference between a fairy tail and a truck drivers story?

A fairy tail starts off with "once upon a time..."

A truckers story starts with "this ain't no shit....".

12-17-12, 03:12 AM
Every once in a while remark, "It was never like this back in the old country".

12-17-12, 03:44 AM
Ahh the Old Country.

That's how all of our stories start (even any Trucking-related ones...Maybe Submarine ones too, but I've no Submarine stories to tell)

"If you'd have been with us in The Old Country...I've got stories that would just break your heart..."

12-17-12, 08:59 AM
Mike, that's straight out of the POLK newspaper during Week 7 of Gold Patrol #36.................. no shit !

............ and folks, every word is true. So true that it's bittersweet laughable, in retrospect.

You forgot

#13a. Attempt to grow your first beard/moustache. Constantly fiddle with it until your face looks like an armpit with teeth.

#42a. Wear the same pair of Hush Puppies and black socks every day for 10 weeks.

The remark: "Crap, man - You ain't done squat !!!! Back in the old boats ..................................."

12-17-12, 05:04 PM
Mike, that's straight out of the POLK newspaper during Week 7 of Gold Patrol #36.................. no shit !

............ and folks, every word is true. So true that it's bittersweet laughable, in retrospect.

You forgot

#13a. Attempt to grow your first beard/moustache. Constantly fiddle with it until your face looks like an armpit with teeth.

#42a. Wear the same pair of Hush Puppies and black socks every day for 10 weeks.

The remark: "Crap, man - You ain't done squat !!!! Back in the old boats ..................................."

On the used to fish...

Ah I love a good laugh!

12-18-12, 11:06 AM
Damn you just made me do happy to stay on the surface.

12-18-12, 11:13 AM
Yeah, that and the tour of the U.S.S. New Jersey I took in Aug. made me look at the Infantry in a whole new light.

12-18-12, 11:14 AM
Also u forgot to wake someone up for their shift change the sheets and go to sleep in same rack.

12-18-12, 05:35 PM
Once again: Go here, read the directions and use your mouse for a 360 degree/zoom tour of a completely restored WW-II diesel submarine. Once you get the hang of the mouse operation it will blow you away. You can inspect any part of any compartment - except the battery wells.

PAMPANITO is the sister ship to my second diesel boat, USS PIPER. She is maintained by the San Francisco SubVets. My bunk was the center one, top port (left) looking forward in the After Torpedo Room - and I'm 6' 2.5" tall. For my first 6 months aboard I slept on top of one of those torpedoes - 600# of high explosive Torpex in the nose..............my pillow.


12-19-12, 12:11 PM
Yeah, that and the tour of the U.S.S. New Jersey I took in Aug. made me look at the Infantry in a whole new light.You ought to see what they put up with in other country's navies. I was on a brand new US DDG. We operated in the South China Sea with a brand new New Zealand DDG. We traded people between ships for a couple of days to see how the other half lives. When it came time to send the New Zealanders back it took a gun and a whip to get them back aboard their own ship. Our guys coming back never looked so happy in their lives. The weather was 100 degrees and 100% humidity. They had no AC and ventilation was sketchy, they still slept in hammocks like the British 200 years ago, and the food was inedible. The ceilings were so low you had to stoop over everywhere you went. Their equipment and armament was laughable compared to what we had. To top it all off, their first enlistment was for eleven years. I wondered what their suicide and desertion rate was.

12-20-12, 12:39 PM
We had to put in at Yokosuka, Japan to avoid a typhoon back in about '76. Tied up next to an Aussie boat. We all drank on base pretty heavily that night with some of their crew. Those guys were really proud of their navy. Next morning you could see them passed out all over the deck. :) That's not tolerated in Uncle Sam's fleet. The MarDet would just love to "assist" you to quarters.

Semper Fi

12-20-12, 02:29 PM
^^^ When ASA personnel first enter the RVN they were put up at the King George Hotel in downtown Saigon. This hotel was also used to billet an Aussie Military Police company. Next to the hotel was a night club which the Aussies in their drunken revelry would destroy about once a week. The Aussies were well known and well deserved of the title as the most destructive drunks in Vietnam .... not even members of the US Navy and its' military components (Marines) could match the Aussies when it came to being out of order when drunk.

I have always heard, from my dad and other men who came went aboard British navy ships, were really "pig sties." This was their experience during WWII, my father was a early American radar expert and since the Brits invented radar he was on Brit ships early in the war. I also heard this from a Marine who served in the Pacific during WWII. Is this still true? I know that the British Navy allowed alcohol on their ships, but it was the state of cleanliness and maintenance of their ships (and those of their colonies and commonwealth countries) that always surprised me when I heard about it.

12-20-12, 02:49 PM
The DDG I was on, you could eat off the deck plates in the engine and boiler rooms. Everything mechanical was spotless and shiny. Some years later I had the opportunity to tour a USCG cutter in Juneau, Alaska. Upon entering the engine room the first thing I asked was, "What the hell happened down here? Did something blow up?" It was soot and smudge everywhere like a dirt floor service station or "Cooter's Garage". They were highly insulted but I spoke out of shock that a mess like that would be tolerated and thought they must have had some kind of accident that they didn't have cleaned up yet. On any navy ship I was on the snipes would have had liberty canceled and all you'd see would be rear ends and elbows until it was cleaned up.

12-20-12, 04:28 PM
The Royal Navy discontinued its daily rum ration per man in ??? 1972 ???

Subs kept several cases of whiskey and brandy miniatures aboard - on bitter cold nights in the North Atlantic/Pacific the Hospital Corpsman would dole out a miniature to each relieved deck watch as they came below - "Cold weather exposure" was entered in your medical record. A hot cup of cocoa and brandy sure hit the spot.

......... and, yes ^^^: Every square inch of every submarine I served in was hospital clean. Every Friday was Field Day.

Go back to Post #12 and click the link - even diesel boats were that clean - diesel smell, yes, but clean.

12-20-12, 08:02 PM
^^^ That's what I have heard about U.S. Navy ships, that they were very clean and well taken care of.

12-23-12, 06:44 PM
Your ship is your weapon and you treat it accordingly. If it goes down most everybody goes down with it. Your life is in your shipmate's hands so monkey business and a slack attutude are not well tolerated. God help a thief caught in the act.