: Lucas Jokes



brandondeleo
08-25-12, 05:59 AM
I thought some of these were entertaining...


Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"

Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF.

The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

Lucas dip-switch positions: HIGH and BLOW

"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohms Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.

To owner of a Land Rover: "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" Owner: "It doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

During the 1970's, Lucas diversified its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product Lucas ever offered which didn't suck.

Lucas Quality Control often advised the engineering department that their designs had problems with shorting out. Engineering always made the wires a little longer.

Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made their refrigerators, too.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, and Joseph Lucas invented the short circuit.

Lucas systems actually use AC current; it just has a random frequency.

How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.

Lucas won over Bosch to supply electrics for the new Volkswagens so cars from the Black Forest have electric systems made by the Prince of Darkness.

Aron9000
08-25-12, 07:02 AM
Lucas won over Bosch to supply electrics for the new Volkswagens so cars from the Black Forest have electric systems made by the Prince of Darkness.

Man from some of the stories I've heard about German cars, I think its true. I think they just try to make things too complicated now days, that is their main problem now.

Submariner409
08-25-12, 10:41 AM
Having been deeply involved in the driving, racing, repair and overhaul of many 50's and 60's British made cars I can testify that Post #1 is all true - too true.

A Lucas automotive fuse: A small ceramic bar with a groove in the long surface. Metal end caps with a resistance wire crimped and in the groove.

1953 MG-TD, starter "switch". No solenoid - a black spring-loaded pull button (think: choke cable) on the dash board pulled the starter switch contactor plate to close the battery circuit contacts.

These are old Robert Bosch (VW) fuses - the Lucas versions were white ceramic tubes with a value inked on.

brandondeleo
08-25-12, 11:05 AM
Speaking of old cars with craptastic electronics, I think you'll appreciate this one Sub. It's a Nash Ambassador Super Airflyte. As big as a freaking bus. (Which is funny because when I think Nash, I think Metropolitan.) I didn't get the opportunity to drive it, but I did get in and have a look and such.

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s720x720/409589_3090867609554_945908191_n.jpg

77CDV
08-25-12, 06:55 PM
They were doing OK until they got to the rear of the Nash. Then the styling just fell apart.

talismandave
08-26-12, 03:04 AM
Having been deeply involved in the driving, racing, repair and overhaul of many 50's and 60's British made cars I can testify that Post #1 is all true - too true.

A Lucas automotive fuse: A small ceramic bar with a groove in the long surface. Metal end caps with a resistance wire crimped and in the groove.

1953 MG-TD, starter "switch". No solenoid - a black spring-loaded pull button (think: choke cable) on the dash board pulled the starter switch contactor plate to close the battery circuit contacts.

These are old Robert Bosch (VW) fuses - the Lucas versions were white ceramic tubes with a value inked on.

ARRRRG...Bad bad Mojo...I just had a flashback. Had to wait for the quaking to stop so I could steady my hand to respond.
and the little metal cup that would almost have enough tension to make contact! God I miss my Spitfire. I got to hop over to ebay, I'll be right back....

dkozloski
08-26-12, 02:36 PM
Man from some of the stories I've heard about German cars, I think its true. I think they just try to make things too complicated now days, that is their main problem now.The German theory is, why use a simple part when a complicated one will do the job?

dkozloski
08-26-12, 02:39 PM
The diabolical part of Lucas electrics was that you could always tinker them up so they would work until the next critical moment.

orconn
08-26-12, 02:47 PM
Truth be told, when it came to British cars Lucas electrical parts were only part of the problem!

dkozloski
08-26-12, 07:32 PM
British cars are emblamatic of the British Empire, all reverses.

Submariner409
08-26-12, 07:42 PM
The diabolical part of Lucas electrics was that you could always tinker them up so they would work until the next critical moment.

Lucas electrics and SU carburetors - Everything was just fine until the moon came up or the barometric pressure changed. (and the point sets in Lucas distributors were made from tinfoil and peanut butter.)

orconn
08-26-12, 08:04 PM
If you think what the Brits exported to the U.S. market was bad, you should see what they foisted off on their home market! MG's, Triumph's, Sunbeam's, not to mention Austin's, Hillman's were all expensive mistakes for the first buyers ....... and fun toys for young guys with plenty of time on their hands (to deal with all the foibles Sub describes!) who bought them cheap from the corner independent used car lot.

The cars required much more maintenance than Americans were used to, were over stressed by the roads and other conditions that their small engines encountered in American, and by and large by the time they were acquired by an overly optimistic kid who could barely afford gas money much less the maintenance the Brit cars required really displayed the folly of running a car designed to deal with 25 mph hedgerows and 90 degree right had turns in a land where you could run all day at 65 mph and where most cars slowed down for taking turns.

It is no wonder that "Prince of Darkness" became emblematic of the British car industry. Their products appeared to have been manufactured in factories designed by Christopher Wren and chronicled by Charles Dickens!

talismandave
08-27-12, 01:23 AM
Stop it you guys...or I'm gonna have to buy a Spitfire again. I'm getting all misty with this talk of them.
I said it before in another thread, they are as bad as you have heard, and the things I hated about it, are all worth the while, and some of the things I remember most fondly! The perfect car for a codependent enabler.

brandondeleo
08-27-12, 03:47 AM
The British really know how to make a beautiful luxury car. The problem is making a beautiful luxury car that isn't a piece of crap. That's where they hit a roadblock. :lol: I have experience with a '65 Rolls Royce Princess, and it overheated if you looked at it funny. I know a guy with a Triumph TR7, and it's in his shop being worked on more than it's on the road. One of my stepdad's first cars was an Austin Marina... From what he's told me it was like, it was a MAJOR piece of crap. He actually killed it when it overheated halfway across the floating bridge in Seattle. You're screwed if you break down on that bridge (anyone who's ever been on it understands) because there's nowhere you can go. There's the lanes and then concrete barriers. I am a big Jag fan, but they're not exactly the most reliable things in the world...

dkozloski
08-27-12, 10:10 AM
If you think what the Brits exported to the U.S. market was bad, you should see what they foisted off on their home market! MG's, Triumph's, Sunbeam's, not to mention Austin's, Hillman's were all expensive mistakes for the first buyers ....... and fun toys for young guys with plenty of time on their hands (to deal with all the foibles Sub describes!) who bought them cheap from the corner independent used car lot.

The cars required much more maintenance than Americans were used to, were over stressed by the roads and other conditions that their small engines encountered in American, and by and large by the time they were acquired by an overly optimistic kid who could barely afford gas money much less the maintenance the Brit cars required really displayed the folly of running a car designed to deal with 25 mph hedgerows and 90 degree right had turns in a land where you could run all day at 65 mph and where most cars slowed down for taking turns.

It is no wonder that "Prince of Darkness" became emblematic of the British car industry. Their products appeared to have been manufactured in factories designed by Christopher Wren and chronicled by Charles Dickens!I remember an engineer hired by RCA out of Great Britain that his first move when he got to the states was to buy a new Ford Mustang. The first thing he asked me was how often he had to pull the heads for a "de-coking"(de-carbonizing). He was used to every 10,000 miles on his limey clunker back home.

CadillacLuke24
08-27-12, 05:07 PM
Good gravy, all this talk of British motoring makes the N*'s HG issues not quite so bad :stirpot:

orconn
08-27-12, 05:23 PM
Good gravy, all this talk of British motoring makes the N*'s HG issues not quite so bad :stirpot:

Let's not leave out "Superior German Engineering" from this equation also!

Submariner409
08-28-12, 09:53 AM
all this talk of British motoring makes the N*'s HG issues not quite so bad

The Northstar head gasket issue (as well as head gasket issues with a LOT of other cars/designs) doesn't hold a candle to most of the European automotive attempts for the 30 years post-WW-II. ............ and let's not forget the disastrous Japanese Datsun and Toyota rust problems of years past - the cars would rot away in one rain storm. I have personally overhauled 3 Jaguars from the late 50's/early 60's with the crankshaft split in two at the center of the center main bearing ! (and the engines still ran !!!)

In perspective, there may be 1,000 Northstar gasket horror stories in CF and who-knows-how-many more out in the field ? BUT, how many FWD Northstar engines were built, total ?? Consider that there were 11,440 STS made in 2002 - that doesn't count SLS, Eldorado and all Deville - so the compressed nightmares here make the problem seem much larger than it really is - but of course that's no consolation to the CF member whose engine blew or who bought a "too good to be true" Cadillac.

orconn
08-28-12, 01:07 PM
^^^Bravo, Sub! Reality is sometimes hard to winnow from the chaff of personal experience. For those who have experienced an expensive failure (or fear an expensive failure) while owning a car it is easy to pass on the experience to others.