: Punished as children.



lev
10-31-04, 01:06 AM
When I was little, my mom beat me witha leather belt.


When I grew a little older, I've learned of other pleasures as well :D

Seriously, though. When I got in trouble being a child, I got some belt from my mom and dad. Mom was actually crueller to me as dad would always say how many belt licks I'd get, mom would never sayd that. All she'd say is "As many as necessary." And the not knowing how many licks is how she was more cruel.

My grandma one time made me stand on ground sault with my knees. And I think once or twice I was told to stand in the corner face insard of course.

My friend's dad gave my friend a choice, get hit 5 times hard or 10 times not so hard. I don't remember what he was choosing though.

So, as children, how were you punished?

Sandy
10-31-04, 02:41 AM
I was never once hit. It's against Jewish law to hit a child. Ditto an animal. When I was bad, or did something wrong, I lost a privlidge that I had, be it riding my bike for 3 days or a week, watching television, going with pals to the movies at Saturday afternoon or bowling with them. I got a lecture, followed by an explanation, and then asked if I understood what I did wrong, and if I ever did it again, exactly WHAT the punishment would be (and it wasn't very good).
The kid (my friend) across the street wet the bed, like 4 to 5 times a week. Every night his father would come home at like 3 AM (he was a night shifter) and when he came home, he'd wake the kid to see if he wet. IF he did wet, the guy took a belt to him & whooped his rear but good. In the Summer with windows open I could hear the kid screaming. Turns out, the boy (age 9) had a under developed kidney, and he could not help himself. When the kid turned 21, he dis-owned the old man, and never saw him again. He sent dead roses to the funeral parlor when the guy kicked off.

"A child is a gift from God, to be loved, taught, cherished and nurtured, to be taught right from wrong and wrong from right in kindness and caring. A child is not a thing to be beaten or whipped, as one would do to an enemy."
Is the loose translation from the Torah.

We (me & wife) never laid a hand on our son in his 20 years. He's a Jr. at Princeton University, a 4.0 GPA student, and in Who's Who of American College Students. Has been promised a job upon graduation starting at $60,000.00. He has been recognized by over 9 or 10 organizations for his chairtable work and is treasurer of his Fraternity. He's 20 and worked this past Summer for a Fortune 500 company earning $16,000 for the Summer. He pays all of his own bills, and has not asked for any money all year (I pay tuiton - he pays books). I think I did it the right way !

I am sorry you were hit, Lev. I feel your pain, anguish & hostility. Break the chain of abuse. Teach your angels right from wrong verbally, with kindness & love. A beaten child becomes a beater. Sometimes, they even beat their wife, too.

majax
10-31-04, 03:24 AM
Grandmother- "put your nose against the door"

Dad- he would spank with a belt that had metal indian thingys on it, kinda hurt, but he never hit hard enough to bruise. Now that I think of it his spanks were not that painful.

Mom- spank w/o a belt

and as I got older say about over 6 my parents just made me put my nose against the door to and then come back with an apology and understanding of why what I did was wrong.

I don't think I will ever spank my possibly future kids, things like taking a privelage away works better or the nose against the door. Just with a privelage loss you have to deal with whining, lol.

I have hit the dog, not hard though.

DopeStar 156
10-31-04, 12:50 PM
I remember when I got outta line my mom hit me with the car. And if that didn't suffice, I took a slug in the leg. I'll post pics of my gunshot scars and where I have a Chevy emblem imprinted on my forehead from our 89 Suburban.

Sandy
10-31-04, 12:51 PM
'Ya, I had to stand in the north-west corner of the kitchen and stare at th L-shaped corner. 47 years later I can recall the spots where the paint had bubbled and the other blems in the paint in that corner :)
The worst thing I ever did was I got a hold of a small 2" tall skinney little firecracker (July) when I was 9. I wanted to set it off, but didn't want anyone to see me do it, so I waited 'til Mom went out for a little bit (like 15 minutes) and I put a glass jar on the living room rug, lit the 'craker & dropped it into the glass jar. It blew, braking & shooting glass all over the livingroom, and burnt a tiny brown spot in the rug!

The dog didn't come out from under the couch for 18 hours ! I on the other hand did nothing for a month. No nuttin for me. I also looked at the corner for so long, I had to ask for a chair to sit on, while looking at the corner! No TV, Movies, bike riding, bowling ! NOTHING for a month of Summer.

Stoneage_Caddy
10-31-04, 02:24 PM
as a child ? well i got the belt , stuff taken away , things thrown at me , and all the verbal stuff (what gave me the emotional scars). But i was first born and as i call it i was practise baby.

To be quite frank i dont look at my childhood as a happy time ,never will .

I left home at 17 1/2 to go into the airforce with intent to never speak to my parents again . 4 years later im back home. I made my 4 years and got my honorable discharge , but i wasnt able to adjust to military life at all . Testing by the military revaled i do not produce serationin , thus i am in a pretty much perminent depression with no possible way to medicate or subdue it . The theroy being thrown around is my childhood had something to do with it .

Nowadays everything is fine me and the folks get along pretty well and they dont treat the little brother near as harsh , which allowed me to forgive them . The family as a whole realized the damage done and dont push me at all to do anything. There just thankful im around and thats all they need. I thank my grandparents for doing everything they could to raise me and teach me about life as i grew up with them dureing the summers and on the weekends , there another big reason im who i am.

In the end tho my childhood made me who i am , one side its great because im so diffrent than most people out there ,because i can tell it like it is and i have alot of compassion for others. bad because i have no confidence or trust , makeing shareing my life with a lady (or even freinds) damn near impossible .

Sandy , i admire you more every day man . Looks like the jewish folks got it right . Take a page from sandys book guys , treat your little ones well. Even the smallest mistake can change they way they look at the world forever.

majax
10-31-04, 02:30 PM
I was actually the one spanked more than my older brother.

just me and him

94CaddyConcours
10-31-04, 03:46 PM
Im sorry to say this but i think spank is right. I was spank many time with belt, brom, cable wire and anything my dad can possibly get into his hand. I know many of you doesnt believe in this but I do. I remeber the pain that he gave me, I rember the feeling of how emotional and how much I hate my dad. Now that I grew up and understand whyt he spank me I appreciate what he have done for me. And spanking me doesnt cause me to become a bad person.
BILL SONG

Sandy
10-31-04, 04:55 PM
but, you'll spank YOUR child, because you were spanked, and in turn, your grandchildren will be spanked by your children and your great-granchildren will be spanked by your grandchildren, and the chain of violent beheavor goes on and on and on, and MAYBE one of them will decide that since spanking one of their offspring seemed to work fairly well, will take the occassional fist to the child's Mother (their wife). Then What? Hey, what works for the kid, might work on the wife, 'cause she's been anoying me, lately......

I do not agree with violent beheavor, against anyone, especially children. It's plain wrong, and indicates a parent who is either out of control, or never had control in the first place.
:banghead2

davesdeville
10-31-04, 04:58 PM
It's very rare that I do anything my parents find out about. I've been grounded a few times. I don't remember why but I got spanked once when I was about 3. I had my car taken away once, that was probably the worst.

D148L0
10-31-04, 06:02 PM
A beaten child becomes a beater. Sometimes, they even beat their wife, too.
That is very accurate, Sandy. Guys, if you were beaten as a child, try to remember how did you feel about it. Get help if necessary, but don;t beat your kids.

majax
10-31-04, 06:26 PM
I can't not even begin to think of why anyone would beat their wife :helpless:. Thats interesting Sandy, to say that the violence with continue forever and may escalate to other family members.

I wonder if spanked children are more likely to grow up and beat their wife or something.

Ralph
10-31-04, 06:59 PM
I was spanked a couple of times, no big deal. It would be different to be beaten but I never was.

Nowadays spanking is almost labelled as deviant behavior but I don't have a problem with it. "Time Outs" seem to be the prefered punnishment for mothers I see when I am shopping, getting groceries, etc.

There is a huge difference between a little "swat on the butt" and "abuse" imo.

I have no problem with a good spanking today, especially from a certain, pretty blonde Canuck. :D

Sandy
10-31-04, 07:05 PM
I didn't make it up, and I cannot claim any credit for it, either. I actually read it in a magazine article, long ago, when my wife was buying "PARENT" magazine. Thing was laying around & I picked it up and began reading the (quiet long) article. I never forgot it, as it was genuine food for thought. I actually did give my son one (1) smack in the @$$. He was 3 & a half or 4 years old, and he ran into the street w/out looking. I didn't hit him hard, it didn't take a hard hit to make the necessary impression on him. He never did it again. Actually, he's never really done anything bad to be punished for. I gave him beer at age 14, a cigarette at age 15 along with booze (hard) and wine, too. A cigar at 19, too. I had him sit with me & Mom at the table and drink, until he got dIzZy, smoke til he coughed. This way I took away the TABOO and the secret wooHooo of it, and brought it out in the open. He liked the wine, hated the beer and the hard stuff. Hated the cigarette, kinda like the cigar. These days he left behind the 'gars and only sips wine when at a party. Don't faint, I asked him if he wanted me to fix him up with a hooker for a night. He was embarrased and said, "Dad.....Stop" (End of THAT topic). If you take away the woo hoo and the secrecy of it all, and bring it out in the open - like white bread....these things are "no biggie" ~ ~ about like doing 35 in a 30 MPH zone.

D148L0
10-31-04, 07:17 PM
I wonder if spanked children are more likely to grow up and beat their wife or something.
Yes, they are...

majax
10-31-04, 07:21 PM
Hooker! dang I wish you were my dad ;). I would be affraid that they would get addicted to cigarrettes or something.

D148L0
10-31-04, 07:24 PM
Sandy, you are a cool dad. When I read the hooker part, remembered about this book: The Physician, by Noah Gordon. Have you read it? If not, do it. One of my personal favorites, I'm sure you'll love it.

Sandy
10-31-04, 08:49 PM
In retrospect, I realized that I had stepped over the lines with the hooker offer. But, 'ya know, the kid had never had a girfriend, and was about as experienced as a Nun, and at the college I know all the talk is split 4 ways: Sports/Cars/Sex/college stuff. I know how it is,so, you know sex is always giggled at & somewhat taboo. So, I just thought I'd bring THAT out in the open as well. I think I went a little over the edge on that one.
My wife & I both smoke. I am very good with it. I buy a pack every Monday morning, and I finish it on Sunday night. 7 days at 3 a day, after B'fast/Lunch & Dinner ...that is it. 4 packs a month. So, they are always in the house, he could grabbed one out when I was not looking & I woulda thought it was my wife who took it. No biggie. He's smarter than I was, and knows not to start.

I will try & find that book.

majax
10-31-04, 11:00 PM
my grandmother smoked a pack a day, she is gone.

trekster
10-31-04, 11:48 PM
I used to get spanked by the belt when I was younger. Cussed at times......Would I do it to my children? Never

Sandy
10-31-04, 11:48 PM
I am sorry. :rose:

majax
11-01-04, 12:09 AM
You know, I think almost everyone learns from their parrents mistakes. Then when they themselves are parents are better parents and so on.

Sandy
11-01-04, 01:02 AM
Alot of truth, there. I took all the good, and deleted the (very) few "bad" things my folks did, with regard to our son.

Elvis
11-03-04, 03:57 PM
I guess I'm one of the lucky few.

I only got spanked once in my life, and I had it coming. I came up swinging twice, I thought I could whip my old man. I was five.

Other than that there was NEVER a time that my parents ever had to physically discipline me. Usually they could get me in line with a stern look.

They ALWAYS took the time to EXPLAIN to me WHY I needed to behave a certain way, rather than just giving me the old "because I said so" line. They did things the hard way and always had time to talk things out.

I got grounded and punished several times in my life, and I learned to pay my own way and take responsibility for what I had done wrong. An ass whoopin' would've been easier punishment than some of the things I got.

I don't have any kids of my own, probably never will. But I figured out that even DOGS respond better to that approach. Physical beatings accomplish nothing.

ShadowLvr400
11-03-04, 04:18 PM
I took a lot of beatings over the years. Had a belt used on me before... Had a cane broken over my upper back once... Also got a lot of slave labor. Building fences in the FL sun, digging ditches, weeding, etc. The punishment version involved sunup to sundown, no real breaks. I had enough fluids, but didnt eat normally those days until after dark. Also lost privileges often enough. *shrug*

Elvis
11-03-04, 06:11 PM
I got the slave labor too, but it was always work that needed doing, and Dad (or his paid agent) was slaving away just as hard as I was.

T_Dogg8
11-04-04, 10:56 AM
there's a difference between beating and spanking. a big difference.

slave labor is done by every kid whether you're good or bad. and you should do it. as a kid you should always work harder than your parents. they deserve it.

RBraczyk
11-04-04, 01:24 PM
I saw the wooden spoon from my mother every so often. Hurt a hell of a lot more than the belt. Woman could swing. Other than that, taking things away, yardwork, and horrible writing assignments.

94CaddyConcours
11-04-04, 08:33 PM
I believe in discepline. It doesn't mater how you discepline your children as long as they uderstand what they did wrong.

Since we are talking about women does anyone ever heard of "The Thumb Rule". In some certain state a man can beat his wife legally as long as the stick isn't thicker that his thumb. I know this is kinda off topic. Sorry :cookoo:

majax
11-04-04, 08:57 PM
That means you could whip then.

tru504187211
11-05-04, 01:00 AM
Wooden/ Plastic spoon. Corner for minor offenses.

barge master
11-08-04, 08:17 AM
I wouldn't relive childhood again for anything in this world. My parents were both very mixed-up people who married late in life. When I was 6 my father dropped dead suddenly at 53. I never got hit or anything, and thank God for that, cause I'd probably be on death row right now. My biggest cross to bear was that my mother was {is} a really disturbed and angry person. I've never met anyone quite like her. She is kind of like Kathy Bates' character in Misery. Prone to sudden mood swings and lashing out with ferocious hostility over seemingly nothing. :cookoo:
It took a lot of years of soul searching and painful mistakes to become a functioning and civil person. I consider myself very fortunate to have been able to see the situation for what it was eventually, and disconnect myself from her. I live less than 20 miles from her and I haven't spoken to her in over ten years.
I don't think I'll live long enough to become the person I might have been if things had been different, but I'm grateful for what I have, esp. a terrific wife. It's all up to me now to figure out right from wrong. Nothing that happened in the past has any more power than I choose to give it. :nyanya:

Sandy
11-08-04, 05:43 PM
WWise man you are, Barge Master! :) I think it's called Bi-Polar >>> No ????

barge master
11-08-04, 06:38 PM
Tough to say Sandy. I'm sure there's some clinical diagnosis for it. Worst thing is, if she could be construed as a basically good hearted person with a mental disorder that tormented her, I could feel some sympathy for her. She's never been a drunk or anything that could be looked at irresponsible. She always worked and paid her taxes etc. She is like a person born without a soul in human terms though.
I recently met a brother and a sister whom she gave birth to long before she even met my father. I never knew these siblings existed while I was growing up because they were given up for adoption. To make a long story short, my sister lived only one town away, and if not for the internet we never would have found each other.
Here's the kicker, when my sister, her first born child, attempted to contact her, the old lady wanted nothing to do with her. I would think any woman with an ounce of humanity would have wanted to finally meet her first born child and say a few things to her. That sums her up right there. She knows what she is doing. Even at 78 yrs. old she hasn't softened one bit.
Now that I've laid out that little catharsis I can sum it up by saying how grateful I am that I can finally feel sorry for what a pathetic person she is, even if I can't stand her. :angel:

Sandy
11-08-04, 09:54 PM
As a former car salesman, I am (very) seldom short on words. I am, now. My heart goes out to you for being able to deal with this. Nobody is perfect, some much less than others. At least she didn't physically harm you, but I appreciate that mentally can be as bad or worse.

Elvis
11-08-04, 11:19 PM
It hurt to read that, barge master, and I came from a perfect home. My parents are still my best friends. My wife loves my parents more than she loves her own.

The Barge Master is one helluva strong human being. A bigger man than most of us will ever be.

Sandy
11-09-04, 12:03 AM
ABSOLUTELY !! :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :angel:

barge master
11-09-04, 09:46 PM
Thanks for the kind words guys. I always gotta remember to count what I have, not what I don't. No matter how crappy some days in life were, I'm still a fortunate man compared to many. :dance:

1toycad
11-11-04, 02:53 AM
as a child ? well i got the belt , stuff taken away , things thrown at me , and all the verbal stuff (what gave me the emotional scars). But i was first born and as i call it i was practise baby.

To be quite frank i dont look at my childhood as a happy time ,never will .



I know exactly how you feel. I am the first born and I too was the practice baby. My mother was especially hard on me. I left home for college and I never returned home, except to visit.

The psychological scars that physical abuse leave on a child can't ever be erased. When I look back on my childhood, there were pleasant times, but a lot of it was very unpleasant. To this day I cannot understand why I was the target of her belt, broom stick (or whatever else was handy). My brother never got whacked. In the one hand I was thankful that he did not have to go through the same things that I went through. On the other hand, however, I resented the fact that he did stuff far worse than anything that I did and was never disciplined. That fact alone created one hell of a sibling rivalry.

We have 4 kids ranging from 19 to 13. I have never felt compelled to strike my kids except for one time when I was doing electrical work around the house and my son (who was 4 or 5) grabbed a screwdriver and was headed with it towards a live outlet (I am too lazy to disconnect power at the service box). I smacked his hand (as the screwdriver tip was less than an inch away from the outlet) to make him stop. He looked at me with his big brown eyes as if he had no clue why I had smacked his hand. Then he started to cry and I felt like the biggest piece of turd in the entire Solar System.

Other than that, I have never hit any of my kids. Hitting children only teaches them to be bullies. All the evidence indicates that children who were abused are at reater risk to become abusers themselves. It took me a great deal of effort and discipline to break the cycle. The one thing that I am very proud as a parent is that I was able to break the cycle. Like Sandy wrote, kids are not to be abused or beaten. Period.

My mom is very ill now and although I have long ago forgiven her, I cannot forget what she put me through. It will always be hard for me to fully warm up to her, or to my Dad for letting it happen during his watch.

This has been a very therapeutic thread. I am glad that someone had the courage to bare his soul open and get us to start talking. thanks bro!

Ralph
11-11-04, 02:57 AM
We have 4 kids ranging from 19 to 13. I have never felt compelled to strike my kids except for one time when I was doing electrical work around the house and my son (who was 4 or 5) grabbed a screwdriver and was headed with it towards a live outlet (I am too lazy to disconnect power at the service box). I smacked his hand (as the screwdriver tip was less than an inch away from the outlet) to make him stop. He looked at me with his big brown eyes as if he had no clue why I had smacked his hand. Then he started to cry and I felt like the biggest piece of turd in the entire Solar System.

You did the right thing, and probably saved his life!

barge master
11-11-04, 06:18 AM
Good for you Toy Cad. It's easy in this day and age to continue the same behavior and play the blame game to justify it. I've found it quite terrifying when I have to do things in a way that's contrary to what seems natural, it forces me to confront the anger and sadness I'd felt over events that I'd rather put behind me. When a given situation has been conquered, I always feel like I walked away a little better off.

Daniel Almestica
11-11-04, 12:37 PM
I'm with you my mom had six of us and we where just dam bad!
we had nothing to take away so she just beat us straight! we are all hard working adluts who would do anything for our mother. who did all she could whif what little she had.

Daniel Almestica
11-11-04, 12:42 PM
That is very accurate, Sandy. Guys, if you were beaten as a child, try to remember how did you feel about it. Get help if necessary, but don;t beat your kids.
When I got hit I was mad but as I got older and seen the good that came from it I was happy.was going down the wrong path and my mother beat me to the stright path.

Msilva954
11-11-04, 05:00 PM
I would never beat my child....

But me being 16 it was only about 10 years ago that I "could" get hit for misbehavier...nothing more but a little slap on the rear or arm....tought me not to do what I did again....worse I could remember was from me taunting my father (was never hit by him) he ended up chasing me down the golf course in his robe with a big rolled up TV guide, learned my lesson and from then on Ive never been hit......im glad they hit me every so often when I was bad.

Though I cant stand to see helpless defensive children being beatin in public by their parents....usually their mothers.

White Whale
11-12-04, 12:22 PM
I can remember getting spanked (not beaten) three times, and I deserved them all.
I learned that the spanking didn't hurt as much as knowing I had disappointed my father by disregarding his authority, and breaking simple and easy to obey rules.
My father was, and is, a very gentle man of God, and his not sparing the rod three times was one of the best things that happened to me.
Contrary to popular fears or belief, I grew up to be a 6'-6" 250 lb gentleman, and I have not, and never will, strike my wife, step kids, my family or anyone else with the exception of defending them from harm.
JMHO

Ralph
11-12-04, 12:32 PM
I remember a few things from my Psychology classes, and parenting was an interesting subject. In 1997, it was studied that roughly 76% of children who were beaten would themselves, one day, beat their own children. It was called a "vicious cycle" as I recall.

There are three types of parents, from what I recall:

Permissive: allow their children to get away with anything they want almost and perhaps don't supervise them as they should.

Authorative: these parents will discipline their children, but then will explain WHY shey shouldn't have done something bad, etc. It is important for them to know why they were punnished so they can learn from it.

Authoritarian: these parents are simply too strict. They dictate and do not allow their children to have a say in anything that concerns them. They are harsh and may beat their children, etc.


It was said that Authoriative Parenting makes for the most well-adjusted children in the future. I also believe it is because these parents take the time to listen to their childrens concerns, etc.

Personally, I'm glad I had a working father and a stay at home Mom because I think that it is important for the child to know that there is someone at home ready to listen to their concerns and stick up for their child if they need help with a situation, like a school bully.

klebrun
11-14-04, 08:36 AM
I remember a few things from my Psychology classes, and parenting was an interesting subject. In 1997, it was studied that roughly 76% of children who were beaten would themselves, one day, beat their own children. It was called a "vicious cycle" as I recall.

There are three types of parents, from what I recall:

Permissive: allow their children to get away with anything they want almost and perhaps don't supervise them as they should.

Authorative: these parents will discipline their children, but then will explain WHY shey shouldn't have done something bad, etc. It is important for them to know why they were punnished so they can learn from it.

Authoritarian: these parents are simply too strict. They dictate and do not allow their children to have a say in anything that concerns them. They are harsh and may beat their children, etc.


It was said that Authoriative Parenting makes for the most well-adjusted children in the future. I also believe it is because these parents take the time to listen to their childrens concerns, etc.

Personally, I'm glad I had a working father and a stay at home Mom because I think that it is important for the child to know that there is someone at home ready to listen to their concerns and stick up for their child if they need help with a situation, like a school bully.

Ralph...man...you hit it right on the nose. In the past, I was a firm believer in never spanking a child. I was spanked as a child, and I vowed never to do that to my children. Once I became a parent, I found myself occasionally giving my boy a swat on the butt for misbehaving. At first, I really struggled with the decision to do this. But where his safety was involved, and when he wouldn't listen to reason first, I felt I had to do something fast before he was hurt or killed. For example, he used to run across the street without looking...quite a bit. I tried talking to him about it several times, explaining the danger of his actions, taking away privileges...ect, but those methods didn't work. Once I gave him a couple of swats, he got the message and never did it again. By the way, I'm not assuming that you agree with spanking a child, nor did I draw that conclusion from reading your post. To be honest, I just don't know, but I respect your opinion either way. I'm just stating what I believe to all posters in this thread, while at the same time using the strong points of your post. I hope you don't mind.

I don't condone beating a child, or spanking to the point of drawing blood or leaving bruises. I do feel there is a difference between beating and spanking. I don't see a problem with giving a child a swat or two on the butt when all else has failed, especially in cases where the child's safety is involved. It would be nice if all kids responded to the same form of discipline, but each one misbehaves to a different degree, depending on what they think they can get away with.

The strong points in Ralph's post are making sure that a child knows why they are being disciplined, that they know they are loved, and they feel they can openly communicate with you. Even though I've had to swat my son in the past, he has become a responsible, nonviolent child. We share a loving, communicative, and respectful relationship. Now, when he misbehaves, I can just talk to him without having to resort to swatting or spanking. But before, a few swats is what it took to get him past his attitude...and believe me, he had a bad one. In his case, he had been brought up with disciplinary methods such as time-outs, the taking away of privileges, making sure we communicated what he did wrong...ect. It flat out didn't work. By age 5, he had gotten to the point where he was physically striking other children and being disruptive at school. We put him in counseling, to no avail. My wife and I were devastated and felt that we had hit a brick wall. We had done everything that you're supposed to do, and it wasn't working. At that point, I realized that the problem we really had was as simple as this...we had a spoiled brat on our hands. He had seen what he determined as a weakness in our system and took advantage of it. With most children, the methods we used would have been sufficient. With him, well, let's just say...he didn't sweat it. They just weren't enough of a deterrent. It was also at that time that I began to realize how perceptive children can be. My wife and I decided to continue with our current form of discipline and add giving him swats for major offenses. After that, his attitude did a total 180.

I totally understand and respect the opinions of those who do not believe in striking a child, and I could never just flat out wale on my son with a belt, like what was done to me when I was a child. But I never grew up to hate my parents, and I never felt abused. There was always love and open communication. I was always told why I was being punished. I don't beat my wife. I don't feel the need to use a belt on my son. I don't see a child misbehaving in the store and think "that kid needs to be taken to the woodshed!". Not everyone who was spanked as a child grows up to be an abuser, and not everyone who wasn't spanked grows up to be a spoiled brat. There are too many variables. It not just a simple black and white issue. There are many gray areas in between. There are those who believe you should never spank a child, and there are those who believe that you should always spank a child. And there are those who walk the line in between those two beliefs. However, not one solution by itself works for everyone.

The most important things to do are to establish strong communication, to make sure the child knows that he or she is loved, and to make sure they feel like a vital part of the family. Make sure they have goals, and make it a big deal when they succeed at something. Be there for them when they have a problem. If you can raise them to be responsible adults without spanking, that's great. If you feel that spanking is the appropriate measure of disciplining your child, please use restraint. No matter which method you believe in, just remember that your methods and beliefs don't work for everyone. In the end, you can be the perfect parent and still wind up with a child who ends up on the wrong side of the tracks as an adult.

Jesda
11-14-04, 01:50 PM
Threatened with a spatula. Pinched and smacked a few times.

Ralph
11-14-04, 04:37 PM
Ralph...man...you hit it right on the nose. In the past, I was a firm believer in never spanking a child. I was spanked as a child, and I vowed never to do that to my children. Once I became a parent, I found myself occasionally giving my boy a swat on the butt for misbehaving. At first, I really struggled with the decision to do this. But where his safety was involved, and when he wouldn't listen to reason first, I felt I had to do something fast before he was hurt or killed. For example, he used to run across the street without looking...quite a bit. I tried talking to him about it several times, explaining the danger of his actions, taking away privileges...ect, but those methods didn't work. Once I gave him a couple of swats, he got the message and never did it again. By the way, I'm not assuming that you agree with spanking a child, nor did I draw that conclusion from reading your post. To be honest, I just don't know, but I respect your opinion either way. I'm just stating what I believe to all posters in this thread, while at the same time using the strong points of your post. I hope you don't mind.

I don't condone beating a child, or spanking to the point of drawing blood or leaving bruises. I do feel there is a difference between beating and spanking. I don't see a problem with giving a child a swat or two on the butt when all else has failed, especially in cases where the child's safety is involved. It would be nice if all kids responded to the same form of discipline, but each one misbehaves to a different degree, depending on what they think they can get away with.

The strong points in Ralph's post are making sure that a child knows why they are being disciplined, that they know they are loved, and they feel they can openly communicate with you. Even though I've had to swat my son in the past, he has become a responsible, nonviolent child. We share a loving, communicative, and respectful relationship. Now, when he misbehaves, I can just talk to him without having to resort to swatting or spanking. But before, a few swats is what it took to get him past his attitude...and believe me, he had a bad one. In his case, he had been brought up with disciplinary methods such as time-outs, the taking away of privileges, making sure we communicated what he did wrong...ect. It flat out didn't work. By age 5, he had gotten to the point where he was physically striking other children and being disruptive at school. We put him in counseling, to no avail. My wife and I were devastated and felt that we had hit a brick wall. We had done everything that you're supposed to do, and it wasn't working. At that point, I realized that the problem we really had was as simple as this...we had a spoiled brat on our hands. He had seen what he determined as a weakness in our system and took advantage of it. With most children, the methods we used would have been sufficient. With him, well, let's just say...he didn't sweat it. They just weren't enough of a deterrent. It was also at that time that I began to realize how perceptive children can be. My wife and I decided to continue with our current form of discipline and add giving him swats for major offenses. After that, his attitude did a total 180.

I totally understand and respect the opinions of those who do not believe in striking a child, and I could never just flat out wale on my son with a belt, like what was done to me when I was a child. But I never grew up to hate my parents, and I never felt abused. There was always love and open communication. I was always told why I was being punished. I don't beat my wife. I don't feel the need to use a belt on my son. I don't see a child misbehaving in the store and think "that kid needs to be taken to the woodshed!". Not everyone who was spanked as a child grows up to be an abuser, and not everyone who wasn't spanked grows up to be a spoiled brat. There are too many variables. It not just a simple black and white issue. There are many gray areas in between. There are those who believe you should never spank a child, and there are those who believe that you should always spank a child. And there are those who walk the line in between those two beliefs. However, not one solution by itself works for everyone.

The most important things to do are to establish strong communication, to make sure the child knows that he or she is loved, and to make sure they feel like a vital part of the family. Make sure they have goals, and make it a big deal when they succeed at something. Be there for them when they have a problem. If you can raise them to be responsible adults without spanking, that's great. If you feel that spanking is the appropriate measure of disciplining your child, please use restraint. No matter which method you believe in, just remember that your methods and beliefs don't work for everyone. In the end, you can be the perfect parent and still wind up with a child who ends up on the wrong side of the tracks as an adult.

I have no problem with that, well said. I'm not a parent, or an expert by any means, but I work part-time in a day care and every parent seems to handle things differently. I would never dare to judge them or tell people what to do, etc.

The child must know they are loved and there is someone there for them. I understand both parnets have to work nowadays, in some cases, but I wonder if there are any new studies on how "latch-key kids" have adjusted into adulthood.


I will however, recommend a new Cadillac over a new MB to anyone asking. :D So I guess I do tell people what to do sometimes. :D

barge master
11-14-04, 09:37 PM
The only reason for that hit kids with a belt crap is to get the parents frustrations out on the kid. I'm only a stepparent and while I'm no posterchild for patience, I couldn't imagine a situation which would justify giving a kid more than a slap on the hand to get their attention. The kids know I'm the boss and if there is any backtalk to their mother there is gonna be hell to pay.
Kids are gonna be kids, and you just gotta roll with their ups and downs. When they do the right thing, I always let them know that I see it and I tell them that I'm proud of them and to keep up the good work. That seems to get better results than beating them into submission. :hitstick:

Ralph
11-14-04, 09:41 PM
That seems to get better results than beating them into submission. :hitstick:

ANYTHING is better than that!

Elvis
11-14-04, 11:16 PM
I work with a guy who probably has one of the worst-behaved kids on the planet. The kid is constantly pushing them, squeezing every last drop of patience out of both parents.

They both work, the mother feels guilty about it, but she makes a chunk of money at her job and can't quit. She spoils the kid, so he takes advantage of her. When she reaches her limit, she calls in the father who has to lay down the law.

They bounce back and forth like that and can't understand why he never seems to get any better. The kid makes good grades and is better than most, but he thinks that the whole world revolves around him.

Why wouldn't he? He's never been alone in his life, and they've never hired a baby-sitter. The grandparents are much older and never could handle him either, so they just don't go out. Every leisure activity centers around this kid. They go into debt buying vacations to Disneyworld.

barge master
11-15-04, 12:21 AM
I'm sure their intentions are good. It's sad to see what happens to kids like that when they get out into the world and see it doesn't revolve around them. The parents usually end up bailing them out of one jam after another and they never grow up.