: need some opinions (a little long, but please give your opinion)



T_Dogg8
10-21-04, 08:42 AM
my girlfriend has a roommate who i can't stand. she's a nice person and is always nice around both my girlfriend and me. my problem is with how she acts the rest of the time. she is currently sleeping with 3 guys. one from her hometown and 2 from school.. and they are not the kind of guys you'd want to take home to your mom, and i certainly wouldn't trust them to even hold my pocket change. so you can imagine how i feel about these guys being in the same room as my girlfriend. well before classes started my girlfriend and her roommate agreed not to have guys spend the night. they figured that would be the easiest way to avoid problems. and i haven't spent the night there yet. about 3 weeks into the semester, her roommate had a guy over. then 2 weeks later she had him over during the week. after the first time my gf talked to her and she apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. and some sh!t about how she didn't know it would be a problem.

well fast forward to this morning. my gf spent the night at my house last night (i have no roommates to worry about) and she calls me at work this morning to tell me when she got home the creepy guy was asleep on her roommates bed with my gf's electric blanket. apparantely when my gf told her roommate she could use it if she wanted to (which i think was a mistake) she thought that meant she could let anyone use it. then she tells me that her roommate ate some candy my sister-in-law had sent her. it's crap like this that makes me mad because if this is what she does and we know about, what about what we don't know about?? like i don't want to lay under that blanket if they were having sex under it. i think that's just wrong.

my problem is, my gf won't listen to me. she's not locked into living with this girl and i keep telling her to tell someone about this crap and move. but she won't listen to me. she just wants to 'talk it over with her roommate' who will say 'oh, i'm sorry. i didn't think you'd mind.' and then do the same thing again. am i wrong for thinking my gf should stand up for herself?? she's already talked to her before and even told her that guy creeps her out. he even said one time about touching her stuff when she wasn't there. i just think her roommate is really inconsiderate and since she's proven she's not going to change, i think my gf needs to do something. am i wrong??

sorry this is long. i didn't even include everything, but this is really bothering me. i don't like thinking my gf or her stuff is in 'danger'

caddydaddy
10-21-04, 09:54 AM
It would really bother me too if some freaks were staying in the same room as my girlfriend! Especially if the guys already seem a little questionable. So, yes, your girl should stand up for herself and tell somebody, or move to a room with someone more respectful of her wishes!

T_Dogg8
10-21-04, 10:05 AM
how do i get her to see that?? she too 'nice'. she doesn't want to cause problems and thinks she should try to work it out. but that's been tried and the girl doesn't care. she pretends too, but she really doesn't.

caddydaddy
10-21-04, 12:09 PM
Well if after a while of trying to work it out and be reasonable with the other girl, and nothing happens, then you know the girl is just trying to get her to give up on the whole thing.
The bad thing with people being "too nice" like you say your girl is, is that they get taken advantage of by people who will exploit that. It kinda seems like her roommate might be trying to do that! Some people are just evil like that!
You should somehow convince her of what her roommate is trying to do, or is doing so that she can do something about it before something bad happens. But who knows, the guys she has over may be ok, but I'd hate to hear of anything happening to your girl if one of them turned out to be a wacko!

brougham
10-21-04, 12:31 PM
Start hanging out there yourself. Maybe her room mate won't like that either and she'll stop having guys over all the time :banana:

T_Dogg8
10-21-04, 12:32 PM
that's my biggest fear. this girl will come home drunk with some guy and my gf has no idea about the guy, then what.

Elvis
10-21-04, 02:21 PM
You're right, T Dogg.

Your GF is being weak and non-confrontational, which is exactly what the roommate is counting on.

The problem is that the more you say to your GF, the less she will do about it. Believe it or not, she will probably fight with you all night about it, but she won't stand up to the roommate. This is a female thing that defies logic.

In order to get her to do the right thing about this, you're going to have to play some head games with her.

1) Be firm and tell her what you think in no uncertain terms. Go on the record. But ONLY DO IT ONCE. Do not nag, do not repeat yourself.

2) Wait for another incident--then be unsympathetic and distant. Do not participate when she comes to you with her "poor me" story.

NOTE: That's a man thing--we think that when a woman comes to us with a problem, it means that they want us to fix it--NOW. We're men, that's what we do. But that's not what they necessarily want--sometimes they just want somebody to bitch, moan, and wail with them about how terrible things are. Men don't have time for that crap. As long as you're available to be her emotional support system on this matter, her behavior will not change.

3) The instant you see an opening to get her out of that mess, POUNCE on it. Do not waste any time. Be decisive, act immediately. Have a plan in place to move her out of there. If you know a friend with a truck, make confidential arrangements now to borrow it. You might even keep an eye open for another living situation for her, and mention it in passing.

Whatever you do, don't push.

Rolex
10-21-04, 03:24 PM
T Dogg you may be right about your gf being better off with another roomate, but it doesn''t sound like you will ever convince her of it. :banghead: This is the kind of crap I don't miss about having a roomate! All my college roomates were good guys, but a real pain in the a**! Sorry to hear you're in a bind. Be supportive of your girl and let her get enough of it.....then she'll move out and you can say "I told you so!!" jk :rolleyes:

majax
10-21-04, 09:14 PM
Try and find her new better and maybe more affordable or same price living conditions. So pretty much persuade her to move to this much nicer place then she may not feel guilty about leaving the roomate. Oh and make soure you have replacement for her so that the roomate is not alone and your girl feels bad leaving.

quick thought

best wishes.

T_Dogg8
10-22-04, 07:52 AM
well an update. my gf talked to her roommate yesterday and just as i expected, her roommate apologized and told her she didn't realize it bothered her so much and was really sympathetic. the only problem is, she always 'acts' that way, she just never does anything about it. i told my gf that i don't care if she says she's sorry, i want her to show she's sorry.

T_Dogg8
10-22-04, 07:56 AM
Start hanging out there yourself. Maybe her room mate won't like that either and she'll stop having guys over all the time :banana:
i've done that a little bit and it doesn't bother her roommate. i don't want to spend the night, because i don't want her roommate to say 'well your bf spends the night.'

T_Dogg8
10-22-04, 07:58 AM
You're right, T Dogg.

Your GF is being weak and non-confrontational, which is exactly what the roommate is counting on.

The problem is that the more you say to your GF, the less she will do about it. Believe it or not, she will probably fight with you all night about it, but she won't stand up to the roommate. This is a female thing that defies logic.

In order to get her to do the right thing about this, you're going to have to play some head games with her.

1) Be firm and tell her what you think in no uncertain terms. Go on the record. But ONLY DO IT ONCE. Do not nag, do not repeat yourself.

2) Wait for another incident--then be unsympathetic and distant. Do not participate when she comes to you with her "poor me" story.

NOTE: That's a man thing--we think that when a woman comes to us with a problem, it means that they want us to fix it--NOW. We're men, that's what we do. But that's not what they necessarily want--sometimes they just want somebody to bitch, moan, and wail with them about how terrible things are. Men don't have time for that crap. As long as you're available to be her emotional support system on this matter, her behavior will not change.

3) The instant you see an opening to get her out of that mess, POUNCE on it. Do not waste any time. Be decisive, act immediately. Have a plan in place to move her out of there. If you know a friend with a truck, make confidential arrangements now to borrow it. You might even keep an eye open for another living situation for her, and mention it in passing.

Whatever you do, don't push.
thanks elvis. that's what i was thinking i was going to have to do. it's just hard to say it once and then let it go, knowing that the issue has not been resolved. with other people, i have no problem letting them fail and then 'cleaning up' after them. but with her i would like to prevent her from 'failing', but i'm not sure that's possible this time.

D148L0
10-22-04, 10:12 AM
You're right, T Dogg.
Your GF is... blah, blah, blah, ....Whatever you do, don't push.
Excellent advice, all of it. (I edited it to save space)

Elvis
10-22-04, 10:42 AM
Thanks, I'm really good at giving that kind of advice.

Too bad I never took it, and I was faced with similar situations at least four times in my life.

Learn from my mistakes.

Ralph
10-22-04, 07:02 PM
2 things I think of right away.

1. Each of you find a place and split the rent, move in together? If you have some guilt over this, or someone doesn't like it, tell them it is for "economic reasons," to save money on rent.

2. If you get really fedup (and I've been there) sometimes it's not worth the tension and stress. I might tell her that things have to change because it is wearing on you emotionally and physically, etc, etc. Also effecting YOUR family! Maybe she'll come around because it is Very hard to change someone's beliefs and how they do things. Sounds like she is protecting her roommate, and that will not change unless you occasionally give a "push." :devil: