View Full Version : Jesda is not a friend to furry creatures.

04-19-08, 06:53 AM
I admit to being lazy. Instead of taking out my trash right away, I put two or three bags on a cart outside the door before rolling them off to the dumpster. I live in a back corner apartment with a large section of bushes hiding my porch from view, so it doesn't create an eyesore for my neighbors and there's no reason for anyone to walk by due to its isolated location. I really enjoy my privacy.

Lately, however, I've woken up to scratching noises. My bedroom is downstairs and the head of my bed is right by the window that faces the front door. I hear a scratching sound, roll over, look at my clock, and see that its 4-5am.

"What the hell? Maintenance can't be outside at this hour."

I look out and see a furry thing gnawing at my trash bags looking for food.


The first time it happened I knocked on the window and the squirrel ran off. Then it came back FOUR TIMES (waking me up each freaking time) until finally, the fourth and final time, I grabbed a broomstick, ran outside in my underwear (it wasn't quite light out yet and my shirts were still in the washing machine) and chased the damn thing across the lawn. It never returned.

Well, Mr Squirrel probably told the other woodland creatures, because this morning I woke up to a big fat raccoon.

[Looked like this but much fatter.]

Again, it was 5am and I heard a scratching noise by my window. I woke up, banged on the glass, and it ran off. A couple minutes later the little turd came back.

I banged on the window again but he already got what he wanted. He looked up at me, paused, and stared for a moment like he just got away with a crime. A whole piece of pizza was hanging out of his mouth as he ran off into the woods.

Why the heck did my roommate throw away perfectly good pizza? I'd have eaten it.

So, yeah... if you live in Chesterfield and see a swarthy male running around outdoors looking like a speed freak, in his underwear, with a broom in hand, please understand that he is only protecting his garbage from theft. Do not taze him, bro.

The solution to this problem is to simply take my trash out and put it in the dumpster instead of leaving it in the cart. But... nah.
I've also learned that furry woodland animals share information. They probably get together once a week behind some bushes, share some punch and pie, and discuss their latest findings. I suspect they even follow Roberts Rules of Order and have elected officers. Next time I'm going to set a trap.

Now I will head back to bed.

04-19-08, 07:17 AM
That's what I keep a .22 out back 'fer.

By the time I was 4 I had my first pellet gun and when I was 6 I was shootin' 'coons after the chickens. The answer is clearly to buy more guns, well that's always the answer.

04-19-08, 08:52 AM
paint ball gun is better. this way you know if the animal every comes back

04-19-08, 09:40 AM
I love how you justify why you're only wearing your underwear as you're running outside chasing small rodents.

04-19-08, 11:41 AM
Show the racoon where the dumpster is and let him clean up after himself. I'm sure you can hammer out a work for food deal. If you piss him off he's going to show a grizzly bear your garbage. You'll really look silly trying to chase him with a broom.

A word to the wise. It's not smart to shoot a grizzly bear with a paint ball gun.

04-19-08, 12:11 PM
We had a couple of raccoons at DCPP. I could walk right up to them and they'd just stare at me with a; "Whatta you lookin' at?!!" stance.

I wouldn't be too worried about grizzlys (unless one actually shows up) I'd be wearing an athletic cup under them chonies cause you piss off that raccoon and he'll likely bite your nuts off!

04-19-08, 12:22 PM
Racoons also like to wash their food in water before eating it so he'll drag you to the lake and slosh you around some first.

04-19-08, 12:26 PM
Those raccoons will look at you like Kev said and wait for you to leave.

04-19-08, 12:46 PM
I like the scene in "Elf" where Buddy tries to hug the raccoon ....

04-19-08, 02:07 PM
Reminds me of my dad telling the story of my grandpa running around with his shot gun shooting at the raccoons that ate all his tomatoes. Also they're very smart my grandpa told me about his little corn stalks, they will peel the tops of the husks of corn off to see if their good. Of course if they're not, they leave them and the corn eventually becomes bad since they opened the husk... bastards!!

04-19-08, 03:22 PM
Grizzly bears poking through your garbage are a common problem around here with reports every week. Packs of wolves eat your chained out puppy dogs and moose clean out your vegetable garden. Ain't it great to live near nature.

04-19-08, 11:53 PM
I have to give the raccoon kudos for neatness. He left a small hole where he took his pizza. Nothing sprawled out on the yard or anything.

04-19-08, 11:57 PM
Maybe that raccoon was a firm believer in feng shui.

04-20-08, 01:20 AM
Years ago there was an article in Reader's Digest by a guy that lived near a park in Cleveland, Ohio. Somehow he wound up feeding dozens of racoons every day. They even organized themselves and would line up in the same order at the same time to pass by a window where he'd hand each one a slice of day old bread. One day he didn't get the bread and wound up cooking pancakes for them instead into the wee hours. The guy liked classical music. One day he put on a particular piece by Beethoven. The biggest racoon of all opened his screen door, walked into his living room, and stood in the center between his stereo speakers until it was finished and then left. The racoon didn't like anything else he played but when he put that one piece on, here would come the same racoon to stand in the same place to listen.

04-21-08, 08:17 AM
One of the squirrels in our backyard trees will come and eat from my hand. They sure have sharp claws. I'd hate for him to go berserk on my arm!

04-21-08, 12:25 PM
The squirrels around here are overrun with lice. Do you have crotch crickets?

04-21-08, 01:16 PM
Ain't it great to live near nature.



04-21-08, 01:18 PM
The squirrels around here are overrun with lice. Do you have crotch crickets?

Yeah, sure

04-21-08, 02:19 PM
Yeah, sure
I suspected as much.