View Full Version : When a friend dies

Crown Vic Owner
04-18-08, 11:45 PM
How is one supposed to act?

She was pretty close to me, and to top it off, of all things suicide.

I know it isnt my fault, and the thing to top it off is that it happened in washington so i wont be able to show up for the funeral.

This stinks.

I am starting to wonder if i added to it.

04-18-08, 11:49 PM
Basically... you show strength for the rest of the grieving people. Then talk to one or two family members about it.

And then you move on.

04-19-08, 12:03 AM
An old friend of mine drove way out into the woods, sat down on a log, and blew his brains out. I had talked to him a few weeks earlier and could tell he was unhappy with his lot in life. I've often asked myself if there had been anything I could have done to make it have come out differently but the answer was always the same; it was totally unforeseen. Suicide is the only solution that is guaranteed to make any problem worse.

04-19-08, 02:08 AM
I'm sorry for your loss, friend. A good buddy of mine killed himself back in January.

Crown Vic Owner
04-19-08, 03:33 AM
Basically... you show strength for the rest of the grieving people. Then talk to one or two family members about it.

And then you move on.

Yeah, i know. I was just close, she was just REALLY close at one point that i feel it would be getting disrespectful to put into detail.


04-19-08, 06:50 AM
It seems like everyone knows somebody who killed themselves, I know I do... in fact more than one. It's not really fair to blame yourself though.

04-19-08, 08:58 AM
I don't recall knowing someone personally that killed themselves but I certainly know a lot of people who's friends have.

The things I can tell you that I have learned over the years are this:

You can't blame yourself for the actions of others. People will do what they want, they may even try to blame you but it all boils down to one thing.
People are responsible for their own actions. Saying "I did this because you made me" isn't a reason... it is an excuse. Unless someone is holding a gun to your head... and even if they are, your choices are still up to YOU.
Don't make yourself believe that you share any degree of responsibility. Her actions were hers and hers alone.

Next, try to remember the good times you had with that person and the things about her that added to your life. It is okay to remember the sad stuff but don't concentrate on it. I doubt she'd want it that way anyway.

Finally, I am really sorry to hear about your loss. It is always painful when someone leaves our lives, particularly when they choose that method of exit. The saddest part to me about situations like that is whenever I have felt close to that situation I soon realized that if I can just hold on through the tough times there is always hope in the future.

04-19-08, 09:19 AM
Just act in a way that feels right to you, and don't be concerned with what you "should" be thinking or saying. Sometimes, people just get extremely emotional yet a lot of times, some show little to nothing--but that doesn't mean either feels any different.

Hence, a big thing that perturbs me when people will critique and criticize someone who "should" be acting a certain way, saying certain things, crying, etc. when something tragic happens to them--otherwise, they're a bad person. NOT.

It's a fact of life, and it happens, even when it's suicide. That happened with an uncle a few years back, and the reaction of everyone is still a lot of disbelief. You can't really understand these things, but just have to accept them for what they are, and go on. Try and get in touch with the family, if they knew you at all, or any other friends, and if it helps you, find out what was going on with her lately. Sometimes just chatting about it will help resolve.

04-19-08, 09:23 AM
One of the problems when you lose someone you care about to suicide, is that there is so much anger mixed in with the grief. You're probably going to feel a weird mix of emotions in the coming weeks..which is OK. It's important to keep in mind, too, that you have to be pretty unhealthy emotionally to be able to do yourself in. Our bodies have pretty strong self-protection mechanisms..in order to overcome them, things really have to be off-kilter. Depression makes it hard for people to see hope. It distorts your perspective. It's like being in a deep, dark hole..with no way out. Ewill is right, there is always light at the end of the tunnel..but it's sometimes hard for people to see that.

I'm so sorry for your loss. As everyone else has said, it is important to remember that it wasn't your fault. Time really does heal.

04-19-08, 02:45 PM
Little to add, except to offer my deepest sympathy for your loss.