: Tools for mechanics



dirt_cheap_fleetwood
03-17-08, 02:06 AM
Kind of long, but I thought this was 100% accurate. If you have ever worked on cars, you will know what I mean. I can personally vouch for the hammer and the last one.


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and s plashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need

BigJon
03-17-08, 02:40 AM
lol that was awesome i indeed like the hammer and dammit tool one myself

ewill3rd
03-17-08, 08:06 AM
Nice!

nikon
03-17-08, 12:30 PM
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

:histeric: :histeric:

The Tony Show
03-17-08, 12:37 PM
Great post. :thumbsup:

Cadillacboy
03-17-08, 03:04 PM
useful stuff

RunningOnEMT
03-17-08, 03:11 PM
funny stuff, i posted this about a year ago... but its still funny as hell

roger greeb
03-17-08, 04:33 PM
you forgot nationwide ins. fire accelerant and match incase all else fails...

SvB4EvA
03-17-08, 04:55 PM
hahaha, that was great!

danbuc
03-17-08, 10:04 PM
Half the tools in my box are classified as 'Damnit Tools'.

3/8 Air Ratchet: Great for when you want to crush your hand against the underside of the car while attempting to remove a part that doesn't give quite as easily as flesh and bone.

Cut off wheel: Commonly used to piss off the guy in the bay next to you, by sending large amounts of hot metal particles flying in his direction. Also used to cut stuff sometimes.

3/8 Ratchet: Commonly used for removable of bolts, but also known to be used to produce large amounts of heat and sparks when working on electrical equipment in close quarters.

Air-chisel/hammer: Commonly used to remove stubborn ball joints and other pressed in hardware, as well as completely destroying everything it touches, and annoying everyone else in the shop.

1/2 Breaker bar: Comes in handy when you need to break loose large bolts, or as a bat during an impromptu game of stickball that might break out in the shop.

Air Drill: also used to spin pop rivets, but has the uncanny ability to do so 30 times louder.

Transmission jack: Great tool for taking bets on seeing who can make the largest hole in the floor of their bay.

Rolex
03-17-08, 11:36 PM
Nice, but in place of hammer I would have posted BFH. Nothing can withstand the power shot from the BFH. :cool2:

dirt_cheap_fleetwood
03-18-08, 01:49 AM
At my technical school, we had a kid actually lose the tip of his finger while using an air ratchet once. He went to remove a bolt and instead it spun a flat piece of metal and literally chopped it right off. We had to look around for a few minutes to find the tip of his finger so it could be sewed back on. :vomit:

gothicaleigh
03-18-08, 12:37 PM
J tool n.
1. how GM gets the money that they pay their technicians back.
2. the tool you automatically assume you need after 20 minutes of scratching your head and wondering how a certain part comes off
3. required tool hastily constructed from scrap found around the shop; many species of J tool are known to exist

Katshot
03-18-08, 01:02 PM
Funny stuff. You must also work on aircraft. The vertical stab and pop-rivets gave it away!
The one that made me laugh the most was the hoist.

dirt_cheap_fleetwood
03-18-08, 06:20 PM
I got it in an E-mail from my uncle who is in the Air Force. I have no idea what a vertical stab is, but have had many experiences with pop-rivets on other things around the house.