: Joke of the day *JOTD*



Rolex
07-13-07, 05:58 PM
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic corn-husker?

A: One of them shucks between fits.




Q: What's the difference between a woman in the bathroom and a woman in a church?

A: One of them has hope in her soul.

The Tony Show
07-13-07, 06:15 PM
What's the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket?

The pickpocket snatches watches.




What's the difference between the Rockettes and a 3 ring circus?

The circus has a cunning array of stunts.

2004ctsv
07-13-07, 07:07 PM
What's the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun at prayers?

The nun has hope in her soul.

Just a modification of the original

2004ctsv
07-13-07, 07:08 PM
Whats the difference between the girls track team and a bunch of pygmies hunting an elephant?

The pygmies are a band of cunning runts

danbuc
07-13-07, 11:22 PM
'How do you catch an Elephant'?


-First you dig a deep hole, and fill the hole with ashes.

-Then, you line the edge of the hole with peas.

When the Elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole...

I~LUV~Caddys8792
07-13-07, 11:50 PM
Three Jews walk into a bar.


Michael Jackson.

TomDeville
07-14-07, 12:36 AM
Cunning Linguistics aside....


What did the leper say to
the prostitute?

Keep the tip.:eek:



TomDeville

:cool2:

The Tony Show
07-14-07, 08:24 AM
Three Jews walk into a bar.


Michael Jackson.




Why did the chicken cross the road?


Michael Jackson.

(I love Lewis Black, too :D)

rblimas
07-14-07, 11:55 PM
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

Benzilla
07-15-07, 01:54 AM
What do you call a hooker with her hand up her skirt?

Self-employed.

Boombotz
07-15-07, 09:55 PM
What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?


Full

d-dash
07-16-07, 11:38 AM
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves


Christopher Walken

malcolm
07-16-07, 12:49 PM
What's the difference between Lady Godiva and a lost golf ball?

One is a hunt on a course.

The Tony Show
07-16-07, 12:53 PM
What's the best way to pick up a Branch Dividian chick?



With a Dustbuster.

the cadillac kid
07-16-07, 01:11 PM
Old one, but......

Why did michael jackson rush to walmart?



he heard kids' pants were half off!

Rolex
07-16-07, 08:59 PM
Q: What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?


A: Neil Armstrong actually walked on the moon.......and Michael Jackson has sex with little boys.

the cadillac kid
07-16-07, 09:05 PM
courtesy of le internet...


Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

I~LUV~Caddys8792
07-16-07, 11:29 PM
What's the best way to pick up a Branch Dividian chick?



With a Dustbuster.

Ooh, very good, a Koresh based joke!

Anyone else think David Koresh kinda looks kinda like Warren Zevon?

http://www.causes-of-terrorism.net/images/index.html_txtphoto008_bigT.jpg http://static.rateyourmusic.com/album_images/27005.jpg

cadillac_tech
07-16-07, 11:49 PM
I just stuck up for you. Everyone said you smell and I said "Like Sh.t he Does"

JimHare
07-29-07, 11:09 AM
So a good-looking redhead goes to her doctor and says "Doctor, every place I touch on my body hurts..." He says, "That can't be.." She says "No, look.." She touches her arm.."Ouch"...She touches her leg.."OWW!"..she touches her stomach.."OWW!"..on and on..finally the doctor stops her..

"You're not a natural redhead, are you" he says.

"No, I'm actually blonde..How'd you know?" she replies.

"Because you have a broken finger."

:histeric:

pabstcadillac
07-29-07, 12:41 PM
A mushroom walks into a bar & says "Can I get a Jack & Coke?"

Bartender replies "Sorry we don't serve mushrooms here."

Mushroom says "What's the problem? I'm a fungi." :alchi:

fleetwood76
07-30-07, 04:31 PM
The wife look at her self in the mirror, and says to her husband.
-Everything has gone downhill for me, wrinkels (sp) in my face and not just there, my breast is hanging, and i got a saggy behind.
The Husband - Atleast it's nothing wrong with your eyes.




jolle

Stoneage_Caddy
07-30-07, 08:07 PM
The New York Yankees come to tampa to play the devil rays and win



well i thought it was funny

the cadillac kid
07-30-07, 08:09 PM
^ :p :want: :thepan: :want: :p ^

Stoneage_Caddy
07-30-07, 08:12 PM
racial
Pope John Paul as some of you knew was polish ....

Every morning he would come to his window and bless the people who came to see him at the vatican ....Or so they thought ...

for years the pope was really trying to "get the ginnys off his lawn"

Stoneage_Caddy
07-30-07, 08:14 PM
Whats the diffrence between a caveman and a pollock ?

The caveman can use geico ....

AlBundy
07-30-07, 09:14 PM
Subject: Dr. Bob



Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day

long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and

sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd

hear an

internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Bob, don't worry

about

it. You're not the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of

their

patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it

go..."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to

reality,

whispering.......


"Bob.....


.....you're a vet".

Krashed989
07-30-07, 09:26 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Red_October_7000
07-30-07, 11:58 PM
What's the difference between a mistress, a prostitute, and a wife???

-A mistress says "Slower, slower..."
-A Prostitute says "Faster! Faster!"
-And a wife says "...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige..."

70eldo
07-31-07, 08:20 AM
Man visits the doctor, completely panicing. "Are you sure my wife is going to make it?"
The doctor replies: "I am 100% sure. She will be alright!"

"oh my god,... do you know who wants to buy a grave stone?"

PhantomCadillac
07-31-07, 08:37 AM
Perfect Golf Shot

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained.
"I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord!" his companion exlaimed.
"You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

70eldo
07-31-07, 08:43 AM
Mother puts the plates with soup on the table and tells the kids: "the board sheet is just clean, so please do not spill on it! I will deduct $2 from your pocket money for each stain you make!"

A few minutes later mother sees that johnny is spreading soup all over the board sheet. "What are you doing?!" she yells furiously.

"I am making it one stain, mom..."

PhantomCadillac
07-31-07, 11:46 AM
Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at
playing dead?

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

The Tony Show
07-31-07, 08:54 PM
A rope walks in to a bar and asks for a beer, to which the bartender replies, "We don't serve ropes here".

So the rope walks outside and ties both ends of himself together in the middle, then pulls a bunch of string out the top of his head so it hangs all over the place. He then walks back in to the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "Aren't you the rope that was in here a few minutes ago?", to which the rope replies, "Nope- I'm a frayed knot."

PhantomCadillac
08-01-07, 10:44 AM
Grown Up Talk


It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class 1 thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.

"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said.

The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........

"My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said,
"I got a choo-choo!"

The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said,
"I got an electric train!!"

That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says,
"I got a book"
The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks,
"What was the title of the book??"

The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said,

"Winnie The Sh*t!!

Jonas McFeely
08-01-07, 02:05 PM
A rope walks in to a bar and asks for a beer, to which the bartender replies, "We don't serve ropes here".

So the rope walks outside and ties both ends of himself together in the middle, then pulls a bunch of string out the top of his head so it hangs all over the place. He then walks back in to the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "Aren't you the rope that was in here a few minutes ago?", to which the rope replies, "Nope- I'm a frayed knot."

That was really really really bad.

dkozloski
08-02-07, 12:02 AM
A guy walked into a psychiatrists office with a fried egg on his head and a slice of bacon behind each ear. He says to the shrink,"I want to talk to you about my brother".

The Tony Show
08-02-07, 09:10 AM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his penis. The bartender asks him, "Hey buddy- did you know you have a steering wheel on your penis?"

The pirate replies, "Arrrrrhhh, I do- It's drivin' me nuts!"

Destroyer
08-02-07, 11:46 AM
This thread is so, whats the word, ahhh yes, "nefarious".:rolleyes:

the cadillac kid
08-02-07, 01:12 PM
a guy walks into a bar....






...ouch

Jonas McFeely
08-02-07, 07:57 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his penis. The bartender asks him, "Hey buddy- did you know you have a steering wheel on your penis?"

The pirate replies, "Arrrrrhhh, I do- It's drivin' me nuts!"

LOLPp[[[[llolooplolooasdkfvhsodufhwoefh0oqdlololololololo

Rolex
08-02-07, 08:30 PM
A guy walked into a psychiatrists office with a fried egg on his head and a slice of bacon behind each ear. He says to the shrink,"I want to talk to you about my brother".

Huh? :hmm:

Rolex
08-02-07, 08:31 PM
A man walks into a psychiatrists office completely naked, wearing nothing but Saran Wrap.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, "clearly.....I can see your nuts."

dkozloski
08-02-07, 08:32 PM
Huh? :hmm:
An old Bob Hope joke.

AlBundy
08-08-07, 08:54 PM
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him too, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
>tall, weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs
>3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner
>Brown.". The small guys says, "Turner Brown?! .... Whew, Thank God! I
>thought you said "Turn around!"

Rolex
08-13-07, 03:07 PM
A blind man walks into a bar.




ba dum ching. :rofl:

93DevilleUSMC
08-13-07, 03:10 PM
A blind man walks into a bar.




ba dum ching. :rofl:

That was awful, man.

93DevilleUSMC
08-17-07, 03:08 PM
A test for being drunk
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"

93DevilleUSMC
08-17-07, 03:11 PM
F.B.I. phone logs
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

** Click **

AlBundy
08-17-07, 05:42 PM
http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m195/ALBUNDY2006/untitledkjhh.jpg
http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m195/ALBUNDY2006/untitledkj.jpg

Rolex
08-20-07, 10:23 PM
A mortician was working when his partner came running into his office screaming.

M1 "Come quick man, you've got to see this."

M2 "What is it?"

M1 "I was embalming this woman's body when I noticed she has a SHRIMP on her vagina!"

M2 "A what?"

M1 "No kidding, she has a shrimp on her vagina. Look for yourself."

M2 "That's not a shrimp you moron, it's her clitoris."

M1 "Hmm. Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

:vomit:

Rolex
08-20-07, 10:25 PM
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Rolex
08-20-07, 10:26 PM
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in
trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration,
he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The
doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally
makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she
says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your
penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his
composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment
available, but there are no guarantees. It involves
transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk
into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the
thought of going through life without being able to
have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to
lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks
later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice
restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While
sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his
legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the
point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches
down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the
pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides
over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then
returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was
impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ...
but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

AlBundy
09-05-07, 04:33 PM
Van Gogh's Family Tree
Hmmm!!!

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ---------------------------Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------------U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ------------------------------- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------- A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach--------------Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle --------------------------------- Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------------- E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ----------------------------------Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van ---Winnie Bay Gogh
Well, there you Gogh!

AlBundy
09-05-07, 04:34 PM
Five Kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep
doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll
have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the
hallway and say, "**** you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Court! room Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife ****s you in front of everyone in court.

AlBundy
09-05-07, 04:37 PM
Subject: We get blamed for everything!

Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:


MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MEN opause

GUY nocologist

AND ?When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ????

AlBundy
09-05-07, 04:40 PM
9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room f or the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

70eldo
09-17-07, 10:04 AM
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K.,Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene

dmarlow
09-26-07, 12:10 PM
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses
of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all
of the children the same kind of lifesaver, one at a time,
and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
The children began to say:

"Red..................cherry,"
"Yellow...............lemon,"
"Green................lime,"
"Orange...............orange."

Finally, the professor gave them all honey
Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none
of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers
out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're a$$holes!"

dmarlow
09-26-07, 12:11 PM
Subject: Cowboy Chili

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West
Texas.
He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms
folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just
sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin to
eat that, mind if I do"?
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and
in his best cowboy manner states, "Nah, go ahead".
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to
his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to
the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking
and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

dmarlow
09-26-07, 12:12 PM
LIFE AT THE NURSING HOME

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves
to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on
one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long
corridors. Because she and her fellow residents
are all one sandwich short of a picnic, they tolerate
each other.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a
door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with
his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice.
"Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished
around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel
sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one
wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and
shouted, "STOP! Have you got
proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag,
pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him!
William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front
door, Horrible Harry stepped out in front of her,
stark naked, holding a very sizeable (for his age)
erection in his hand.

"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

dmarlow
09-26-07, 12:13 PM
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting
when one of them suddenly
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He
doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other
redneck whips out his cell
phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead!
What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy and follow
my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's "dead."

There is a silence..........then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, now what?"

dmarlow
09-26-07, 12:13 PM
The Goodbye Letter


A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. "Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home."

93DevilleUSMC
09-26-07, 02:31 PM
From 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds



Mike forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mike got up really early.

When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.

She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mike is not yet well enough to have visitors.

70eldo
10-01-07, 10:03 AM
I fly every Monday and Friday.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.'

The V-Train
10-01-07, 10:04 PM
ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY


The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.



A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.



The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.




"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs

dkozloski
10-02-07, 12:17 AM
ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY


The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.



A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.



The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.




"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
Kinda like the Italian helicopter; the big rotor goes WOP! WOP!! WOP! and the tail rotor goes guinea, guinea, guinea.

93DevilleUSMC
10-25-07, 02:19 PM
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store..
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysteri cally.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot
of problems with potty training and
I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter,
she was clean.
The I realized that Danny had not asked
to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down
his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak.

93DevilleUSMC
10-25-07, 02:23 PM
>One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies. He
>immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
>
>'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I
>have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
>what I'm going to do. I've got a f ew folks here who weren't quite as bad
>as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
>even let YOU decide who leaves.'
>
>OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
>first room.
>
>In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
>surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced
>with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
>
>'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think
>I could do that all day long.'
>
>The devil led him to the door of the next room.
>
>In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did
>was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good;
>I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all
>I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.
>
>The devil opened a third door.
>
>Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his
>head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagl e pose . Bent over him was
>Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked
>disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
>
>The devil smiled and said . . . . .
>
>(This is priceless)
>
>'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

70eldo
11-22-07, 02:54 PM
What do you call the man with a seagull on his head?







"Cliff"

70eldo
11-27-07, 09:52 AM
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone. Everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to **** off.