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The Cadillac Allante Lounge Discussion, joke of the day ... in Cadillac Allante Forum; ...
  1. #1
    stomper is offline Cadillac Owners Member
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    joke of the day ...

    HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029



    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

    Due to increased levels of UV, the Feds set the minimum SPF of suncreen sold to be 175 with an increased UV-B range of 895 to 1200 nm .. up from the old 390–650 nm set in 2010.

    Battery acid from electric cars is reported to have polluted another 3.7 cubic-miles of water tables in Asia.

    Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

    Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. ID of mother kept a secret.

    Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

    The Pacific Ocean is declared a off-limits zone after the California Seal exhausts the food supply and turns to feeding on humans.

    Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 11 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Mining companies extremely disappointed as they look forward to mining the glass laden sands.

    X-Pres Jimmy Carter wins 2nd Nobel Peace Prize.

    France pleads for UN help after being taken over by Jamaica. No one comes forward.

    Osama bin Laden is elected for the 5th time to President of the Middle East Union, composed of what once was Bahrain, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Jordan, Kuwait, Lebanon, Pakistan, Palestinian territories, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Syrian Arab Republic, United Arab Emirates, and Yemen.

    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea has banned all smoking.

    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036 and claims to have the support of the Middle East Union.

    North Korea: Kim Jong-il announces the opening of an additional 14,500 State sponsored brothels to keep up with foreign demand that has far exceeded the current 3,287 licensed brothels. Unemployment is expected to drop to an all time low of 31 percent.

    China announces a new State lottery. One in 1,300 will win a chance to get their implanted birth control devises deactivated.

    Japan: Government outlaws the serving if seafood in restaurants and turns to other methods for proteins. People reported to be raising record numbers of sharks in home aquariums.

    US Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail deliveries to twice a week. Mail pick up at the Post Office is expanded and can now be done 5 days per week, Sat to Wed, 11am to 2pm.

    29-year study completed, costing $175.8 billion: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

    Average weight of Americans drops from 268 lbs to 253 lbs.

    Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year.

    South American coffee crops fails for the 7th year in a row, due to Global cooling, coffee beans are now $364 / lb.

    Senate still blocking drilling, barrel of oil is now $753.

    Congress increases gasoline allotment to 3 gallons per week, per car. Car sales booming.

    Permits to grow corn in back yards soar. Municipalities investigating ways to tax the fuel made in back yards.

    Automotive SMOG testing is eased to only 3 times per year. Cars older than 2 years must continue the usual 6 SMOG tests per year routine.

    Average height of NBA players is now Eight feet, three inches. Hoops raised to 15 ft.

    Federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, water guns, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 .

    IRS lowers tax rate to 76 percent, minimum tax increases from 53 percent to 67 percent.

    Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones sell out last weekend's performance after the Daytona NASCAR. Ambulance and doctors discretely monitor the performers from behind the stage.

    The 2029 Cadillac CTS-V breaks new track speed record at Daytona, running the straights at 322 mph.




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  3. #2
    stomper is offline Cadillac Owners Member
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.

    "Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms."
    99 Nuns "Oh no"
    1 Nun "He, he"

    "A condom!" said the head Nun.
    99 Nuns "Oh no"
    1 Nun "He, he"

    Head Nun "And it was used!"
    99 Nuns "Oh no"
    1 Nun "He, he"

    Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!"
    1 Nun "Oh no"
    99 Nuns "He, he"




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  4. #3
    stomper is offline Cadillac Owners Member
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    There was a dog and an horse and they decided to go for a walk in the forest together. So they set off walking and talking and were not really paying attention to where they were going, when all of a sudden the horse fell in a hole.

    "Oh My!" the horse cried. "What will we do?...I can't climb out on my own".

    "Don't worry" said the dog. I'll just run back into town and get my Vette and we will have you out of there in no time at all." So the dog ran back to town and got her Vette.

    When she arrived back at the hole she backed the Vette up to the edge. The dog then threw the horse one end of a chain and secured the other end to her bumper.

    "Here we go" the dog yelled to the horse as she put the Vette in gear and pulled the horse out of the hole.

    "Thank you, thank you so much my friend!" said the horse.
    "My pleasure" said the dog "Should we continue on our walk?"
    The horse agreed, but as he turned toward the dog he accidentally knocked her into the hole.

    "Oh my goodness" the horse wailed, "I'm so so sorry!...Oh, What are we going to do now. I'm too big to fit in your Vette!"

    "Not a problem" the dog responded "Just throw your manliness down here" The horse trusted the dog so he threw his manliness into the hole and the dog climbed out on it.

    Once she was out the horse and dog continued on their walk with no further mishaps.

    And the moral of the story is... ?
    "If you have one, big enough, you don't need a Vette!"

  5. #4
    stomper is offline Cadillac Owners Member
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    A man and his wife were driving through the country side coast to coast. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next service station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a gas station and pulls over to the pump.

    "What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'her up," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.

    "What kind of car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a rare 1992 Allante."

    "What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

    "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power leather seats, after market navigation system, DVD/CD/MP3/AM/FM with 400 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a after market super charged 4.5 V8 engine with like 500 hp."

    "Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"

    "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

    "That'll be $80.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off four $20 bills. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

    "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

    "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the motorist.

    "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

  6. #5
    stomper is offline Cadillac Owners Member
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    Re: joke of the day ... NHL

    cabin fever ?

    0 Fahrenheit (10 C)
    New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
    Canadians plant gardens.



    40 Fahrenheit (4.4 C)
    Californians shiver uncontrollably
    Canadians Sunbathe.


    35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
    Italian Cars won't start
    Canadians drive with the windows down


    32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
    Distilled water freezes
    Canadian water gets thicker.


    0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
    New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
    Canadians have the last cookout of the season.


    -40 Fahrenheit (-40 C)
    Hollywood disintegrates.
    Canadians rent some videos.


    -60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
    Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
    Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.


    -100 Fahrenheit (-73 C)
    Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
    Canadians pull down their earflaps.


    -173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
    Ethyl alcohol freezes.
    Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.


    -459.4 Fahrenheit (-273 C)
    Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
    Canadians start saying "cold, eh? "


    -500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
    Hell freezes over.
    The Leafs ( NHL ) win the Cup


    ========


    Bobby Orr (hockey player) walks into an ice cream parlor.

    With some discomfort, he slides onto a stool and orders a banana spit.

    The waitress asks, "Crushed nuts?"

    He replies, "No, bad knees."


    .

  7. #6
    stomper is offline Cadillac Owners Member
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examinations

    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

    Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes pollutants.

    Q. How is dew formed
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

    Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
    A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
    flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
    abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

    Q. What are steroids
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

    Q. What happens to your body as you age
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
    A. Premature death

    Q. What is artificial insemination
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
    A. Keep it in the cow

    Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
    abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
    heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the bowels.

    Q. What is the fibula
    A. A small lie

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean
    A. Nearby

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent by wearing a condominium

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
    A. a district in Rome

    Q. What is a seizure
    A. A Roman Emperor

    Q. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport

    Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
    A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

    Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
    A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

    Q: write a essay
    A: Mae'r e-bost hwn (ac unrhyw atodiadau) yn gyfrinachol a gall gynnwys barn
    bersonol nad yw'n farn Ymddiriedolaeth GIG Gofal Iechyd Gwent oni bai fod
    hynny wedi ei ddatgan yn benodol Os ydych chi wedi ei dderbyn trwy
    gamgymeriad, dilewch o'ch system, peidiwch a defnyddio, copio na datgelu'r
    wybodaeth mewn unrhyw fodd. Hysbyswch y sawl a'i anfonodd am y camgymeriad
    hwn ar unwaith os gwelwch yn dda.




    .

  8. #7
    stomper is offline Cadillac Owners Member
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."

    He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

    He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?"

    "I'm going too!!" he replied.

    "Why?" She asked.

    "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

  9. #8
    stomper is offline Cadillac Owners Member
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:
    "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."


    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"


    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.


    Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

  10. #9
    Stealth's Avatar
    Stealth is offline Cadillac Owners Enthusiast
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "I
    know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse,
    I'm sending him over." Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants
    a male or female horse.

    "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.
    "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the
    midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

    "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget
    and shows the eyes.

    "Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he
    picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

    "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat." With that, the owner picks
    up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him
    out.

    Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd
    like to see her run!"

  11. #10
    stomper is offline Cadillac Owners Member
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    A guy goes to the IRS to apply for a job......

    The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything? 'He says 'Yes - just caffeine'

    'Have you ever been in the service?'

    'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

    The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

    The guy says, 'Yes 100%... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

    The interviewer tells the guy, 'O. K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

    The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?

    ”This is a government job”, the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

  12. #11
    stomper is offline Cadillac Owners Member
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

    He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

    The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

    The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches
    high and sets him on the counter.

    He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on
    the counter as well.

    He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
    which he places in front of the piano.

    The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
    Piece by Mozart!

    'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

    The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

    This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
    says: 'Here. Rub it.'

    So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and
    a beautiful genie is standing before him.

    'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only
    allowed one!'

    The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
    million bucks!'

    A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
    another duck, then another.

    Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and the y just keep
    coming, duck after duck after duck!

    The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's'
    a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'

    'No kidding!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch
    pianist?'

  13. #12
    babylac89's Avatar
    babylac89 is offline Cadillac Owners Fanatic
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    The Power of a Badge.....


    DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

    The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

    The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


    " Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

  14. #13
    carnut is offline Cadillac Owners Master
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    I went into McDonalds today, ordered my meal and waited awhile. The chubby girl behind the counter finally hands me the food and says "Sorry for the wait" I replied, dear I'm sure you will take it off eventually!!

  15. #14
    carnut is offline Cadillac Owners Master
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    Re: joke of the day ...

    Why didn't they declare the Mexican/ American borders a national park? they would have been shut down for these past few days!

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